Dastardly Doings - Part 2

Sean has recovered a precious receipt that may prove collusion on pricing between Woodies and Cols supermarkets. He runs to the clock tower where he supposes Arjy Barjy is patiently waiting for him. She is doing no such thing. Arjy is enraged and is furiously reading the headlines on the latest Jimboomba Times front page. Sean scrambles up through the trap door and becomes entangled in Arjy’s left leg.

Arjy: Get your nose out of there! Have you read this?

Sean: Great news! I’ve got the receipt.

Arjy: Bugger the receipt, the price thing goes on the backburner. Have you read the Jimbo Times?

Sean: You know I don’t read that provincial crap. Why would I want to know who won the best marmalade prize for fucks sake?

Arjy: Things have changed around Jimboomba during the last few months; you should keep up with it. Read this!

(Arjy throws the Jimboomba Times through her legs and onto Sean’s lap. He quickly reads the front page, sliding his finger expertly along the words so as to not lose his place.)

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Jimboomba Times – 22/07/09.
COMICAL KILLER CRACKS COPS UP.

The latest in an apparent army of serial killers who have hit Jimboomba recently has been having a remarkable effect on police and has been nicknamed ‘The Comical Killer’.

Senior Sergeant Slideback told Jimboomba Times that this killer has a very keen sense of humour and is causing much amusement down at the station. Details of the latest incident where the victim was decapitated are being kept secret. During an interview, Senior Sergeant Slideback said: “We are not releasing details partly because they will help us to eliminate false confessions but mainly because I can’t keep a straight face. Suffice it to say the victim must have laughed his head off.”

This killer is only one of a succession of killers who have managed to attract the attention of the police. Last week we reported on developments in ‘The Jimboomba Ripper’ investigation where the police appear to be baffled. Senior Sergeant Slideback has asked for more information from residents of the area and said: “The police are only as good as the information we receive.” When asked by the Jimboomba Times if the police were also as good as the information they detect, Senior Sergeant Slideback was suddenly called away to a road safety seminar on ‘the least dangerous places to site speed traps’.

The Ripper case has been further hampered by an unfortunate mix-up with the last victim’s body that seems to have been misplaced at the police station. Senior Sergeant Slideback remarked: “We will make sure this does not happen with the Comical Killer’s victim and it is a timely reminder to police constables to know where murder victims corpses are at all times.”

In further news: Doris Coppet of Flagstone has won ‘The Most Unusual Preserve’ award at Flagstone Seniors Fete on the weekend. She was later arrested and charged with poisoning 26 people. Doris is now known as ‘The Marmalade Murderer’.

Senior Sergeant Slideback stated: “We are at a bit of a standstill on this marmalade case and we appeal to anyone with information to come forward. We are particularly interested to hear from anyone who can tell us what the marmalade tastes like. Police forensic experts have been trying to determine this but we have now run out of police forensic experts.”

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Arjy: That’s what we should be looking for. A big case that’s already grabbed media attention. If our detective agency is going to succeed we must start solving big crimes. The Woodies-Cols thing isn’t going to do it. Everyone knows supermarkets are thieving bastards, there’s nothing new about that. We need to get involved in this serial killer thing. We need a nice juicy body!

Sean: Ah! Yes ….. it’s funny you should mention that.

Arjy: What?

(A few moments later the duo are racing through the shopping centre car park. When they reach the rear area the industrial bin has just been replaced by an empty one and the pick-up vehicle is nowhere in sight.)

Arjy: You are such a dickhead, Sean. Why didn’t you tell me about that straight off? How many sodding bodies do you find in an average day?

Sean: It’s not my fault. I was sidetracked by the police shoot-out at Mitre10 and then when I got into your unit you were waving your legs all over the place and …..

Arjy: WHAT FUCKING POLICE SHOOT-OUT?

Sean: I don’t know, somebody said the police had The Comical Killer bailed up in Mitre10 but I was trying to get back with the receipt. Arjy? Where are you going?

(The Woodies car park has ten police cars ranged in a semi-circle outside the entrance to Mitre10. Lights are flashing and Senior Sergeant Slideback is crouched behind his personal police car that has fluffy dice hanging in the rear window. An Emergency Services volunteer SWAT team are lying on the ground near the Mitre10 entrance and appear to be helpless with laughter. Senior Sergeant Slideback is shouting through a loudhailer and ordering the Swat team to pull back. Slowly, the team crawl back to the police barricade.)

Senior Sergeant Slideback: What the fuck is going on, Horace?

SWAT Commander: Oh dear, oh dear me, let me get my breath back. I’ve never laughed so much in all my life. Oh dear dear dear, I’m crying here. That bloke is the funniest sod, he really is. Oh my stomach hurts.

Senior Sergeant Slideback: That’s because he’s gutted you, you stupid prick! Half your insides are hanging out!

SWAT Commander: I know, I know - but that’s not the funny part. Oh dear me, oh my stars, just thinking about it cracks me right up. He said to me …. He said to me …. He said ….. Oh I can’t - I can’t say it - I don’t think I’ll ever stop laughing!

Senior Sergeant Slideback: Did you get to use the tasers?

SWAT Commander: Yes we did. They had absolutely no affect on him at all. We must have thrown half a dozen of them into Mitre10; I even saw one bounce off the killer’s chest. He didn’t even blink.

Senior Sergeant Slideback: You’re supposed to fire the bleeding things at him, not throw them! Jesus H. Christ!

SWAT Commander: How were we supposed to know that? You said to use ‘em if we got close enough, you didn’t say how.

Senior Sergeant Slideback: What about my police officers? Six of them went in before your lot arrived.

SWAT Commander: Oh yes, that was hilarious too. You remember Constable Penthrope God rest him? Well – the killer had a few bits of him on one of those Weber barbeque oven things. Only $68, it’s a special that Mitre10 have on at the moment. $68 – you can’t go past that can you? Anyway, there were these fillets……

Senior Sergeant Slideback: Get this prat away from me before I tickle the little shit to death with me boot.

Bistro Waiters: Senior Sergeant Slideback, I’m Bistro Waiters of the Jimboomba Times. I wonder if you can give our readers any thoughts on this latest serial killing? Do we have a description of the suspect yet?

Senior Sergeant Slideback: What? Oh yes. He is apparently of average size, age and complexion. He has a red nose, oversize floppy shoes and a buttonhole flower that keeps getting longer and longer and is capable of squirting concentrated sulphuric acid.

Bistro Waiters: Any – heh, heh, - timely reminders for our readers, Senior Sergeant?

Senior Sergeant Slideback: You want to spend the next six months getting done for doing 120 kph in a loading zone?

Bistro Waiters: No, not really.

Senior Sergeant Slideback: Well fuck off and write something nice about me.

Bistro Waiters: Oh yes, of course Senior Sergeant, but in the meantime can you tell me what your reaction was when you heard the killer had ducked out the back way 20 minutes ago?

Senior Sergeant Slideback: He what?

(Arjy and Sean had been listening carefully to everything and keeping their eyes wide open. They had been too late to cover the back door when the killer made his break but they were soon scouring the ground at the rear of Mitre10 for any clues that might have been left. Arjy knew she only had a few minutes before the police arrived and trampled everything to dust. She desperately looked among the shrubbery. After only a minute her efforts were rewarded. Lying beside a crumpled Eagle Boys pizza box was a set of teeth. They were the sort of teeth you could wind up and send chattering across the table and under the bottom plate was a small label that read:

‘Property of Incontinental Luxury Retirement Home.’

The Incontinental was only a short distance away and was off Cusack Lane. Arjy did the right thing and left the evidence where she had found it. It was doubtful if it would ever be found again but at least she wasn’t interfering.)

Arjy: Sean, get the car.

Sean: Where are we going?

Arjy: Not far. I want to take a look at an old fella.

TO BE CONTINUED.