Coven - Part 10

We’ve come a long way, you and I. From Bogan Council Offices to a battlefield on the other side of time and the journey has been confusing to say the least. There are many anomalies but isn’t that just like life? We can’t know all the answers to all the questions although it might be argued that is the point of fiction – to invent a truth and shield it from the vagaries of fact. Keep it simple, keep it neat and keep it entertaining – then break all the rules. One out of four isn’t all bad.

THE GREATEST OBSTACLE RACE IN THE WORLD.

Connie Lingus: The contestants are set and Bert Watkins – the prick - is preparing to fire the starting pistol. AND THEY’RE OFF!
The Ayatollah streaks out of the gate first with Korky close behindaaah.
The Pope and Rabbi Slivovitz are neck and neck in third place with McDuck challenging on the railsaaah.
Bringing up the rear are the Brahma bulls of Beaudesert Baptists as they reach the first bendaaah.
Rounding the first bend the Ayatollah falters and Korky pulls aheadaaah
The Pope tries to follow but the Muslims block him outaaah.
McDuck is forcing through the field as they race out of the turnaaah.
Into the bottom reach it’s Korky, the Ayatollah and McDuck. The Pope and the Rabbi are neck and neck in fourth place with the Baptist close behindaaah.
They’re coming up on the first obstacle and they get there in a bunchaaah.

Drydoch: Yes, the first obstacle is a tricky one. The contestants have to unscrew the lid of a Woolies Homebrand jar of breakfast marmalade. The jars of Homebrand marmalade are produced in Poland and the lids have been screwed on by huge Polish peasant women who have arms like tree trunks and hands like mechanical shovels. Straight away, the Pope is in trouble. His arthritic fingers cannot get a grip and one of the bishops offers the Pope a wet towel. The Ayatollah is also struggling. He’s taken up a crouching stance and is straining at the lid. He’s got good technique and he is shaking with effort and ….. Oh No! I think the Ayatollah has shit himself! I think the Ayatollah has shit himself!

Connie Lingus: Yes, I think you’re right, Rupert. His helpers are supporting him and he is obviously in great distress. Yes, I think that’s definitely shit I see. Can we zoom in on his right leg? There, just there – definitely faecal matter running down his right leg, Rupert.

Drydoch: Yes, it’s clear the Ayatollah has shit himself. Well, this is a first and you saw it here on Sky Sports. We can confirm that Ayatollah O’Shaunessy has shit himself at the first obstacle. I don’t believe this is a disqualifying incident but perhaps you can shed some light on that, Connie.

Connie Lingus: I’ve been checking with the officials, Rupert and it seems that this does not disqualify the Ayatollah but it will certainly make the rest of the race uncomfortable for him and, I don’t know about you Rupert, but I certainly wouldn’t want to be anywhere close behind the Ayatollah for quite a while.

Drydoch: I agree, Connie. But let’s not forget the rest of the field. Korky the Cat is trying a risky manoeuvre. She is tapping the edge of the lid on a large rock, turning the jar slightly and tapping again. This may well work but it can cause small fractures in the glass lip of the jar and any glass slivers in the marmalade will lead to disqualification. In lane five McDuck is in deep conversation with his committee of Kevin Rudds and in lane three the Jews are closely observing the cowled figure who appears to be in charge of the Beaudesert Baptists. The Baptists seem to be making their move! Yes, the Baptists are making their move! The leader has rammed his jar of marmalade up the arse of a Brahma bull and now he is twisting hard. Any ideas, Connie?

Connie Lingus: Definitely, Rupert. The constricting power of a Brahma bull’s sphincter must be enormous, much greater than the human hand and this will vastly improve the chances of getting the lid off but I can’t say I would want the marmalade afterwards. IT’S OFF! THE LID IS OFF! The Baptists are scrabbling to continue the race and get away first!

Drydoch: But there’s a hold up. The Jews are screaming at the Baptist leader. They are offering him something, trying to force something on him. The Baptist nods and the Jews lead a Brahma bull away. THE JEWS HAVE BOUGHT A BRAHMA BULL FROM THE BAPTISTS! They have bought a bull! At last the Baptists are on their way. Korky the Cat has also got her lid off cleanly and streaks after the Baptists followed by the Jews. The Muslims have found a Turkish wrestler among their horde and he has got their lid off.

Connie Lingus: Rupert! News just in that the committee of Kevin Rudds have declared Polish marmalade to be an illegal import and, therefore, the removal of the lid will be a federal offence. This makes the obstacle void so McDuck is on his way and close behind are the Catholics who are also taking advantage of this new ruling. The race is on!
The Baptists are holding the inside line as they round the second turnaaah.
Next comes Korky the Cat flying the Nazi flagaaah
The Jews are making up ground and taking bets on the sideaaah.
The Ayatollah is charging up the field with a big gap behindaaah.
McDuck is sweeping wide and making up ground but the Pope is slowing downaaah.
Heading up the back straight and it’s still anybodies raceaaah.
The places stay the same as they approach the second obstacleaaah.

Drydoch: The next obstacle is a doozy, Connie. Each contestant has to sit in a booth. They have just one phone each and they must attempt to persuade Telstra to allow them to withdraw from a Bigpond wireless broadband agreement within the allowed 10-day period. Each contestant has a Bigpond Home Network Gateway devise connected that clearly shows ‘no signal’. This should render the agreement void but the trick is to convince Telstra of that. I’ll now hand you over to Connie who is down among the booths.

Connie Lingus: Well, Rupert, the Baptist was first in and misdialled at the first attempt but he ordered a pizza anyway. He’s trying again but Korky is through to Accounts who are insisting she must first contact Tech Support and they have given her the wrong number to dial. The Ayatollah has reached an overseas help line and can’t understand the accent of the help desk operator who can’t understand the Ayatollah either. Uh-oh! The Ayatollah has said ‘fuck’. He’s said it again and lost the connection. Andy McDuck is also starting to get a little huffy but the Rabbi seems to be deep in conversation with Telstra Accounts.

Drydoch: Korky the Cat is through to Tech Support and is trying to follow the instructions of the robot voice. She’s getting nowhere. If she gets too close to the facts of the situation then the robot voice throws up three totally irrelevant options. KORKY HAS SAID ‘FUCK’! Korky is now saying ‘fuck’ a lot! They’ve kicked her off the line!

Connie Lingus: Sorry to interrupt you Rupert but the Pope has just taken his place in the booth and is dialling but he doesn’t appear to be dialling any of the numbers printed on the official contact list.

Drydoch: Thanks for that, Connie. Keep us posted on the Pope. In the meantime the Baptists have got through to Tech Support and have been told they need an external aerial which can be bought from sales for $65 so they are now waiting on the line for a sales consultant to finish afternoon tea and attend to his back-log of calls waiting. Korky the Cat had some success and she talked to the Tech Support operator who tried the aerial trick but Korky explained that the Home Network Gateway was outside anyway and there was still no signal. Korky was then given the number for ‘Cancellations’ but it turned out to be ‘Accounts’ who tried to get her to phone ‘Tech Support’. Korky has just said ‘fuck’ again and I’m afraid she’s completely lost her advantage.

Connie Lingus: Astonishing news on the Pope, Rupert. It seems he has been talking to the CEO of Telstra and has offered total absolution of all Telstra’s sins. This is an amazing offer, Rupert. The Catholic Church commonly issues ‘Get Out of Hell Free Cards’ but this is one of the few times it has been issued en masse. It’s well known that if you become an employee of Telstra you automatically go to hell so this would be very tempting and …. TELSTRA HAS ACCEPTED THE POPE’S OFFER! TELSTRA HAS ACCEPTED AN OFFER OF ABSOLUTION FROM THE POPE! Wow! That guy must have been really worried about his soul – and who can blame him?
The breaking sports news here on Sky Sport is that the Pope has given absolution to Telstra for all their past sins in exchange for a clean withdrawal from a wireless broadband agreement within the 10-day cooling off period. This means that…..

Drydoch: Sorry to interrupt Connie but THE POPE MAY BE TOO LATE. It has just been announced that Mossad have offered to buy out Telstra for an undisclosed figure. This has involved some tricky negotiations with the Kevin Rudd Committee that has asked for a ‘gentlemans agreement’ with Mossad that Telstra will not be used in any way that might be detrimental to Australian national security. I understand Mossad have given a -‘See this wet, see this dry. Cut my throat and hope to die.’- promise to Kevin Rudd on this. Letters of intent have been signed and, given the emergency powers granted to the Prime Minister, the deal will go through without opposition from shareholders who don’t really matter anyway. It was also determined that the Jews and Andy McDuck will be allowed to back out of their wireless broadband agreements without further delay.

Connie Lingus: We have an update on the deal with the Pope. Apparently it was agreed moments before the Mossad offer and so the deal stands. Now we have three contestants clear and back in the race.

Drydoch: Thanks Connie but there’s even more breaking news here on Sky Sports. Telstra consultants are so relieved to be missing out on the trip to hell they are agreeing to money back cancellations for everyone who has ever tried, and failed, to get consistent wireless broadband from Bigpond. Telstra shares have dropped 20%. The Telstra board and Kevin Rudd are quoted as saying; “ It’s a Mossad problem now so we don’t give a rat’s arse.”

Connie Lingus: That puts everyone back in the race – and they are galloping!
First away is the Popeaaah.
In joint second we have the Rabbi and Andy McDuckaaah.
Korky the Cat is steady in thirdaaah.
Followed by Ayatollah O’Shaunessy keeping to the railsaaah.
But coming up on the outside riding the lead bull is the Baptist and he is making a chargeaaah.
The Pope is starting to falter and the Rabbi is pressing hardaaah.
McDuck is fighting off a challenge from Korky the Cataaah.
They reach the third turn and The Baptist is still gaining groundaaah.
The Ayatollah drops to last place and the Rabbi goes past the Popeaaah.
Heading down the gully straight the leaders begin to bunchaaah.
It’s the Rabbi, the Pope, Korky and McDuckaaah.
The Baptist is pressing hard and the Ayatollah’s nowhereaaah.
The pace is picking up as they approach the final obstacleaaah.

Drydoch: This final obstacle is possibly the most controversial of any obstacle in the history of the race. They are calling it ‘Dilemma’ and that’s exactly what it is. You can see that the contestants have to climb a ramp and stand on a platform positioned twenty metres from the edge of a thirty metre deep, rock strewn gully that crosses the course. When the last competitor reaches the platform it will slowly begin to slide towards the gully. Eventually it will cross the gully and link up with a ramp on the other side and the contestants can then continue the race. The more an individual competitor delays climbing onto the ramp the longer that competitor will be held at the other side before being allowed to continue. The dilemma becomes apparent when the competitors see the twenty-metre strip of ground between the front of the platform and the near edge of the gully. It is a children’s playground complete with one hundred infants happily playing there. When the ramp moves to close the gap the children will be literally scraped into the gully. None will survive the fall. If anyone steps off of the ramp it will stop then return to the start and wait to begin its trip again. To complete the event the ramp MUST bridge the gully with all the competitors aboard.

Connie Lingus: Wow! This is classic TV. Tension, human interest, children and violence. Stay tuned and remember where you saw this first. A world exclusive on Sky Sports, what will the contestants do? Oh those poor little children! Sky Sports will, of course, launch an appeal to raise money for something or other. Wow! This is too much.

Drydoch: Connie.

Connie Lingus: What?

Drydoch: Shut your fucking hole.

TO BE CONTINUED.