Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. March – 3009
(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)
This is the third part of a report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.
Further background information on Bogan Chitty Council has come to light. Our archaeologists recently discovered a discarded computer hard drive among debris in the ‘vault’ and it contained fragmented recordings of an historical document called ‘The Comedy of Errors’. Although this does not directly impact our research into the cause of The Failing it reveals much about Bogan Council. University computer technicians have carefully pieced this document back together and it is now available to students of pre-Failing history. ‘The Comedy of Errors’ can be read by clicking on ‘Carthorse Cart’ in the right hand column at the top of this page.
Meanwhile, Mayor Porker and the Bogan Chitty Council are making plans. The plans appear to involve a little known section of The Queensland Constitution that cites ‘Addendum 998’ and a particular person known as ‘The Principal Land Commissioner Attending’. It is unclear how this plan will develop. We continue the video record a few days after the altercation between Porker, Borden and Shizeknicker. Mayor Porker is alone in the Star Chamber and seems to be distressed. After a few minutes Councillor Dicky Mower quietly enters the chamber.
Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009
*********************************************************
Bogan Star Chamber - File Three.
March 2009
Councillor Mower: Hi, Porky.
Mayor Porker: What the fuck do you want Dickhead?
Councillor Mower: You seem a bit down.
Mayor Porker: Oh dear. I seem a bit down. What a shame. Of course I’m a bit down you prick, and why wouldn’t I be? After boosting my image with ‘The Maid of Bogan’ thing, I’m now back to being a greedy, grasping tosser and all because of you and your secret, sodding pact. You sucked me in with all that James Bond shit and now I can’t hold my head up in this community without risking getting it shot at. Sod you, Mower!
Councillor Mower: Porky for Christ’s sake, nobody is going to know about it. As far as your public is concerned you’re still ‘The Maid of Bogan’. And if this story ever came to light, which it wouldn’t of course, you would be an even bigger hero.
Mayor Porker: You don’t know much about ‘comparative time’ and ‘wormtrails’ do you?
Councillor Mower: What?
Mayor Porker: The certainty that, because anything in an infinite universe is possible, this conversation is being overheard as we speak.
Councillor Mower: You listen too much to that dork Yuteman. Let’s not get into anymore of that Doctor Who crap or we’ll be getting Daleks crawling out of our arses.
Mayor Porker: Shut up for God’s sake! Don’t get the sod off on any more tangents!
(There is a stirring from inside a nearby cupboard and a muffled, tinny voice says “Ex-term-in-ate.”)
Mayor Porker: There, you see? Bleeding typical.
(Mayor Porker pounds her fist on the table. She lifts her head and bellows.)
Mayor Porker: YUTEMAN!!!!!
(There is no response.)
Mayor Porker: IF YOU DON”T GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW I WILL SCREAM DOWN MRS. YUTEMAN’S EARHOLE AND SHE WILL WAKE AT FOUR IN THE MORNING AND BE UP YOUR ARSE LIKE A RABID RAT – YOU’VE GOT TEN SECONDS!!!!!!
(After a moment or two there is the sound of a lung busting coughing fit from outside. The powerful coughing impels other sounds that forbid description then a door opens and a truly horrible creature shambles into the room. Its remaining hair may be figuratively described as askew. The face is bagged and bristled. The creature carries a mug of tea that regularly spills onto the floor and although this creature has been out of bed for almost an hour, it is clearly still at the farting and arse scratching stage of waking up. It is Ron Yuteman.)
Yuteman (sullenly): What?
Mayor Porker: Get rid of that! (She points at the cupboard.)
Yuteman: It’s gone. It was just a little joke. Just came to me, like.
Mayor Porker: Well, I’ve had a gutful of your little jokes. We no sooner get set on a course of action, something usually considered to be a plot, when you fuck off round the houses like an epileptic grasshopper. Now – we are going to sit down and establish a few parameters so we can all be clear on what has happened and where we are going.
Yuteman: Yeah, but I’m sort of like the artist aren’t I? I got to have me artist’s licence to sort of explore things, like. I mean, I’ve got me basic plot thing all sorted out but sometimes you have to scoot off a bit to find out what the possibilities are – kind of like.
(Mayor Porker gently guides Yuteman to a chair. She squats down beside him and takes his hand.)
Mayor Porker: Yes Ron, I know. But you have an obligation to us. All of us. Me, Mower, Lizzie, Grimy and all the other characters you have created rely on you to give their lives some form. We are only constructs but in our own way we have feelings and hopes and dreams just like real people. You can’t just toss us around like used underwear. Now, can we talk through this?
Yuteman (after careful thought): Okay. Here’s what I’ve got. The plot to steal Queensland is an ASIO sting. You, Porky, are the only member of the council who knows this apart from Dicky Mower who is, of course, an ASIO agent. The reason for the sting is that ASIO are piggybacking onto a real plot to do exactly the same thing.
All the bit about the constitution is real, there is an extra section and there is a hidden addendum and there is a Principal Land Commissioner Attending. But our prime objective is to stop persons, unknown at this stage, using these anomalies to ‘steal’ Queensland.
The other problem is the ‘emergency’. ASIO only have a vague idea what is likely to be cooked up by the enemy but that will become clear later. The next problem is, this whole plot will unfold over several weeks so we need side issues to sustain the council’s interests and to prevent them from focusing too closely on just how bloody unlikely this whole scheme actually is.
One of these side issues will be the remake of Sound of Music. This will go ahead and we will tell the council that everyone has to wear audio/video transmitters because of security issues with the plan they think they are involved in. That way we can keep the council under surveillance and the Star Chamber video record constantly updated because it will be used in evidence against the real plotters when we catch them.
That’s as much as I can tell you at this stage.
Mayor Porker: Will I get to be Maria?
Yuteman: Porky, oh dearest Porky. You don’t really think this is going to be a nicey, nicey remake of the actual Sound of Music do you?
Mayor Porker (sighing): No, I suppose not, but I just had a little girly hope for a minute there.
Councillor Mower: Could I ask a question?
Yuteman: What?
Councillor Mower: If ASIO and the Queensland government know all about these anomalies why don’t they have an emergency session and change it all? And since when has ASIO just worked for Queensland anyway?
Yuteman: Good questions. Give me a moment and I will make up the answers…..right! The anomalies won’t be changed because they have been deliberately inserted so that the Queensland Government can do exactly what is being plotted now. They have got ASIO on to it because they don’t want to be beaten to the punch by some other sod, that’s all. You can forget all the talk about a Republic. What is planned is a full-blown Absolute Monarchy. Even now the new aristocracy is jostling for position and when the dust finally settles our State Premier will renounce Queensland’s place in the Federation and she will then become Queen Anna the 1st of Brisbalia. As far as ASIO is concerned, the Establishment recognises the Queensland plot as a first step in an Australia wide movement toward Aristocratic Government under King Rupert 1st.
How about that? Right off the top of me head – am I ace or what?
Mayor Porker: Ron, you are such a complete and total tosser!
(The next segment is some hours later. A full meeting of the Star Chamber has just ended. The councillors have been given their personal audio/video transmitters and shown how to work them. They are all excited about the new toy and take it in turns to film each other and watch the results on the monitors.)
Councillor Hobo: Just like Big Brother. Hope I remember to turn it off when I go for a dump.
Councillor Fondleschaft: Yah, ist is very goot. Das resolution is spot on for suchen a shmall thingo.
Councillor Hobo: Hello, here’s your mate from Austria. You’ll be able to chatter away in German together, hey? G’day Arnel – you’ve met Gerhardt haven’t you? I was just telling Gerhardt, you’d be able to chatter away in German to each other.
Councillor Fondleschaft (nervously): Ah yes – Yah we vill. Got int Hummock, do you spraken ze Dorch mine hair Shizenhausen?
Councillor Shizeknicker (sweating): Uh…..nine, I dussn’t spraken any Dorch. I spraken da Ostrich. Dust you spraken da Ostrich?
Councillor Fondleschaft (warily): Donner and Blizzard. Uh……Das Schwinehound Englishers march ont Dorchland……..the bastards! Um…..Ich bin ine NOT sprakening any Ostrich, I’m afraid…..mine amigo.
Councillor Shizeknicker: Thank fuck for that.
(Councillor Hobo strolls across to Mayor Porky and talks quietly to her.)
Councillor Hobo: What the hell’s going on with that pair, Porky? We’ve got a German who can’t speak German and we’ve got an Austrian who can’t speak Austrian or whatever it is Austrians natter in. Just who are these arseholes?
Mayor Porker: I’m not really sure myself, Grimy. But trust me, for our great plan to work we need the both of them. Look, I’ve got to make an important announcement. We’ll talk about this later.
(Mayor Porker stands and gives the table a sharp rap to get every ones attention.)
Mayor Porker: Okay boys and girls, this is the news you’ve all been waiting for. Ron Yuteman is starting his new production this week. He’ll be contacting us individually to sort out who plays which part but in the mean time he has asked me to make a couple of things clear. This production will be based very loosely on The Sound of Music but will take place in an aged care facility called The Catheter Creek Care Centre for the Terminally Aged - or 4CTA for short. The title of the production will be “The Sound of Prozac” and, yes, it will be a musical so get your banjos tuned.
END OF FILE THREE.
3/30/09
3/27/09
Star Chamber - File Two
Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. March – 3009
(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)
This is the second part of a report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.
We have been introduced to The Bogan Chitty Council, an administrative group we believe to be responsible for The Failing. This council seemed to be in difficulties and suffering from low prestige within the general community. There were also obvious personality clashes within the council itself. The Mayor (council Imam), Primula Porker, has proposed the theft of “Queensland”.
(Special Note: As near as can be judged “Queensland” refers to a huge dry landmass that once may have formed part of Brisbalia. We have long been aware that there was a significant rise in sea level during the early to mid 21st century but it may be a far greater rise than we had thought*. The new evidence suggests that the Brisbalian group of islands (traditionally referred to as ‘The Continent’) may have actually been an enormous continent with a landmass almost equal to the entire landmass of the modern known world.
*This information is speculative and “The Great Erosion Theory” is still considered the more obvious cause of reduced landmass although the theological argument favours “God’s Punishment of the Masturbators” as the more likely cause. However, the Council of Clerical Scientists recently determined there was no conflict between these two theories given the common factors of vibration and friction. Indeed, it has been suggested that the world’s urgent need for concerted political action to avert natural disaster on the one hand may be inextricably linked to masturbation on the other.)
The inaugural Star Chamber meeting continues.
Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009
*********************************************************
Bogan Star Chamber Meeting – File Two.
March 2009.
Mayor Porker: Ladies and Gentlemen of The Bogan Star Chamber, with the help of little known but quite proper legislation, our little group is going to steal Queensland. All we need to make the heist possible is a dire emergency - so we need to create one. Suggestions?
(For a few moments there is a stunned silence.)
Councillor Axeman: Bloody hell, Porky, we need a bit more build up than that! Steal Queensland? Dire emergency? What the devil is going on here?
Councillor Bean: Yeah! What he said!
Councillor Hobo: I think you better spell it out for us Mayor Porker.
Mayor Porker: Okay. Is it agreed that we would all like to make a serious amount of money?
(Everyone nods and they lean forward expectantly.)
Mayor Porker: And is it also agreed that we don’t much care how we get the money as long as there are no legal ramifications to bite us in the arse?
(More nods and “Goes without saying.” sort of muttered comments.)
Mayor Porker: Even if some people get hurt – maybe die?
Councillor Bean: You’re not talking about us are you?
Mayor Porker: No, no. We will be perfectly safe.
Councillor Quark: I don’t think I would like anyone to die.
Mayor Porker: Winnie, your take would be in excess of one billion dollars US.
Councillor Bean: Come on, Winnie, I mean there’s dead and dead you know. We have to look at the broad picture here. (He looks at Mayor Porker.) One fucking billion? Each?
Mayor Porker: Minimum.
Councillor Mower: Well, I think it’s a brilliant idea Porky, well done.
Mayor Porker: You don’t think it’s a bit far-fetched?
Councillor Mower: Not at all.
Mayor Porker: And what do you think about your part in this? Do you think you can carry it off?
Councillor Mower: My part? Yes, well it could be a bit….. tricky but. What is my part again?
Mayor Porker (sneering): Looking around at you all I think I have the picture. You are all very keen so I’ll elaborate.
(She holds up a thick wad of documents.)
Mayor Porker: This is the Queensland Constitution and at this point I’m going to hand you over to our resident expert on all matters legal. Arnel?
Councillor Shizeknicker: I haf made a very big study of dis thing and I can tell you it is very vexatious. Many peoples think dis Constitootion is a good thing but it is a vexatious con job. On da title page you will see da words “Constitootion of Queensland 2001. Act No. 80 of 2001”. Dis is da copy dat was shown to everybody but it was not da Act voted on. In fact da Act voted on was Act No. 80(b) of 2001. Both Acts look exactly da same except for one long sentence in 80(b). It appears in Chapter 6 - Lands, section 69, sub-section (3) and, without using da crappy Austrian accent, it goes like dis:
“Lands in General are covered by Addendum 998 and in the event of a Serious State Emergency (as defined in Addendum 998) then all matters relating to General Land Rights and Tenure will be subject to the sole authority of the Principal Land Commissioner Attending (as defined in Addendum 998).”
Dis is as much as I could find out. Who da Principal Land Commissioner Attending is, I don’t know dis. And what Addendum 998 is, I don’t also know dat. One thing I do know is – dis is all pretty vexatious.
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Jesus, Arnel! Must you keep using that bloody word? Shouldn’t you be banging on about torts and shit like that? Is “vexatious” the only bloody legal term you know or is it all you managed to remember from conveyancing school?
Councillor Shizeknicker: Who asked you arse-face? When I need da advise of a Rotarian soup kitchen cook with a brain da size of a peanut I will tap on your kennel. In da meantime, shut your trap when I’m in da room – okay?
Councillor Lizzie Borden: You bitch!
(Lizzie launches herself across the table. She slams into Shizeknicker and they both crash to the floor – kicking, biting and scratching. There is obviously a bit of bad blood between them. Mayor Porker dashes in to break them up but is pulled, head first, into the fracas. All three of them roll around the room in a screaming tangle, furniture and glassware begins to seriously break. The other councillors look on with great interest.)
Councillor Hobo: I’ve got $50 on Shizeknicker.
Councillor Axeman: I think Lizzie might have a surprise for you Grimy. I’ll match your money. Lizzie to win by a knockout.
(Mayor Porker briefly puts her battered face above the table edge and demands $50 on Winnie Quark before being dragged back into the fight.)
Councillor Skypilot: The mayor is right Winnie. You really should stop them.
Councillor Quark: Oh, I truly don’t like to get involved in nastiness. Please don’t ask me.
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: If some one duss not be shtoppen them, the computers might be doner unt blitzened in za fight and our money making scheme will go down into za gurgler.
Councillor Quark: Oh all right, if you think it will be best.
(Other sources have shown that Councillor Quark is an experienced Roller Derby player. Without her skates she is not as elegant as she could be but her methods are quick and brutal. She kicks Shizeknicker’s legs from under the huge Austrian then elbows Lizzie in the face. Winnie shoulder charges Mayor Porker and sends her slithering across the boardroom table. In moments the three lie stunned on the floor. Winnie mutters her apologies and resumes her seat.
The video record for some time does not contain relevant material. It is mostly cleaning up after the fight. We resume playback approximately one hour later. Mayor Porker, Councillor Lizzie Borden and Councillor Arnel Shizeknicker are sitting on the floor and slumped against the walls of a corridor just outside the boardroom. They are in a delicate state of truce and are dabbing at their cuts and swellings with cold, wet cloths.)
Councillor Shizeknicker: Well Lizzie, you fight pretty good for such a little person. Where you learn to do dat?
Councillor Lizzie Borden: I once worked in the bar at the Bronco’s League Club. You soon learn to look after yourself. Some of those guys were even bigger than you Arnel. Talking about guys and not meaning to be rude but is it true that you’re really a bloke?
Councillor Shizeknicker: What makes you ask dat?
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Oh, there are rumours. People say you’re an Israeli welder or something. They say you disguised yourself as a female Austrian power lifter to get into the country. I’m sure it’s all rubbish but you do have a deep voice and you’re very heavily muscled even for a power lifter and you do seem extraordinarily mannish.
Mayor Porker: Also you seem to have ripped your panties and your cock’s hanging out.
END OF FILE TWO
(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)
This is the second part of a report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.
We have been introduced to The Bogan Chitty Council, an administrative group we believe to be responsible for The Failing. This council seemed to be in difficulties and suffering from low prestige within the general community. There were also obvious personality clashes within the council itself. The Mayor (council Imam), Primula Porker, has proposed the theft of “Queensland”.
(Special Note: As near as can be judged “Queensland” refers to a huge dry landmass that once may have formed part of Brisbalia. We have long been aware that there was a significant rise in sea level during the early to mid 21st century but it may be a far greater rise than we had thought*. The new evidence suggests that the Brisbalian group of islands (traditionally referred to as ‘The Continent’) may have actually been an enormous continent with a landmass almost equal to the entire landmass of the modern known world.
*This information is speculative and “The Great Erosion Theory” is still considered the more obvious cause of reduced landmass although the theological argument favours “God’s Punishment of the Masturbators” as the more likely cause. However, the Council of Clerical Scientists recently determined there was no conflict between these two theories given the common factors of vibration and friction. Indeed, it has been suggested that the world’s urgent need for concerted political action to avert natural disaster on the one hand may be inextricably linked to masturbation on the other.)
The inaugural Star Chamber meeting continues.
Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009
*********************************************************
Bogan Star Chamber Meeting – File Two.
March 2009.
Mayor Porker: Ladies and Gentlemen of The Bogan Star Chamber, with the help of little known but quite proper legislation, our little group is going to steal Queensland. All we need to make the heist possible is a dire emergency - so we need to create one. Suggestions?
(For a few moments there is a stunned silence.)
Councillor Axeman: Bloody hell, Porky, we need a bit more build up than that! Steal Queensland? Dire emergency? What the devil is going on here?
Councillor Bean: Yeah! What he said!
Councillor Hobo: I think you better spell it out for us Mayor Porker.
Mayor Porker: Okay. Is it agreed that we would all like to make a serious amount of money?
(Everyone nods and they lean forward expectantly.)
Mayor Porker: And is it also agreed that we don’t much care how we get the money as long as there are no legal ramifications to bite us in the arse?
(More nods and “Goes without saying.” sort of muttered comments.)
Mayor Porker: Even if some people get hurt – maybe die?
Councillor Bean: You’re not talking about us are you?
Mayor Porker: No, no. We will be perfectly safe.
Councillor Quark: I don’t think I would like anyone to die.
Mayor Porker: Winnie, your take would be in excess of one billion dollars US.
Councillor Bean: Come on, Winnie, I mean there’s dead and dead you know. We have to look at the broad picture here. (He looks at Mayor Porker.) One fucking billion? Each?
Mayor Porker: Minimum.
Councillor Mower: Well, I think it’s a brilliant idea Porky, well done.
Mayor Porker: You don’t think it’s a bit far-fetched?
Councillor Mower: Not at all.
Mayor Porker: And what do you think about your part in this? Do you think you can carry it off?
Councillor Mower: My part? Yes, well it could be a bit….. tricky but. What is my part again?
Mayor Porker (sneering): Looking around at you all I think I have the picture. You are all very keen so I’ll elaborate.
(She holds up a thick wad of documents.)
Mayor Porker: This is the Queensland Constitution and at this point I’m going to hand you over to our resident expert on all matters legal. Arnel?
Councillor Shizeknicker: I haf made a very big study of dis thing and I can tell you it is very vexatious. Many peoples think dis Constitootion is a good thing but it is a vexatious con job. On da title page you will see da words “Constitootion of Queensland 2001. Act No. 80 of 2001”. Dis is da copy dat was shown to everybody but it was not da Act voted on. In fact da Act voted on was Act No. 80(b) of 2001. Both Acts look exactly da same except for one long sentence in 80(b). It appears in Chapter 6 - Lands, section 69, sub-section (3) and, without using da crappy Austrian accent, it goes like dis:
“Lands in General are covered by Addendum 998 and in the event of a Serious State Emergency (as defined in Addendum 998) then all matters relating to General Land Rights and Tenure will be subject to the sole authority of the Principal Land Commissioner Attending (as defined in Addendum 998).”
Dis is as much as I could find out. Who da Principal Land Commissioner Attending is, I don’t know dis. And what Addendum 998 is, I don’t also know dat. One thing I do know is – dis is all pretty vexatious.
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Jesus, Arnel! Must you keep using that bloody word? Shouldn’t you be banging on about torts and shit like that? Is “vexatious” the only bloody legal term you know or is it all you managed to remember from conveyancing school?
Councillor Shizeknicker: Who asked you arse-face? When I need da advise of a Rotarian soup kitchen cook with a brain da size of a peanut I will tap on your kennel. In da meantime, shut your trap when I’m in da room – okay?
Councillor Lizzie Borden: You bitch!
(Lizzie launches herself across the table. She slams into Shizeknicker and they both crash to the floor – kicking, biting and scratching. There is obviously a bit of bad blood between them. Mayor Porker dashes in to break them up but is pulled, head first, into the fracas. All three of them roll around the room in a screaming tangle, furniture and glassware begins to seriously break. The other councillors look on with great interest.)
Councillor Hobo: I’ve got $50 on Shizeknicker.
Councillor Axeman: I think Lizzie might have a surprise for you Grimy. I’ll match your money. Lizzie to win by a knockout.
(Mayor Porker briefly puts her battered face above the table edge and demands $50 on Winnie Quark before being dragged back into the fight.)
Councillor Skypilot: The mayor is right Winnie. You really should stop them.
Councillor Quark: Oh, I truly don’t like to get involved in nastiness. Please don’t ask me.
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: If some one duss not be shtoppen them, the computers might be doner unt blitzened in za fight and our money making scheme will go down into za gurgler.
Councillor Quark: Oh all right, if you think it will be best.
(Other sources have shown that Councillor Quark is an experienced Roller Derby player. Without her skates she is not as elegant as she could be but her methods are quick and brutal. She kicks Shizeknicker’s legs from under the huge Austrian then elbows Lizzie in the face. Winnie shoulder charges Mayor Porker and sends her slithering across the boardroom table. In moments the three lie stunned on the floor. Winnie mutters her apologies and resumes her seat.
The video record for some time does not contain relevant material. It is mostly cleaning up after the fight. We resume playback approximately one hour later. Mayor Porker, Councillor Lizzie Borden and Councillor Arnel Shizeknicker are sitting on the floor and slumped against the walls of a corridor just outside the boardroom. They are in a delicate state of truce and are dabbing at their cuts and swellings with cold, wet cloths.)
Councillor Shizeknicker: Well Lizzie, you fight pretty good for such a little person. Where you learn to do dat?
Councillor Lizzie Borden: I once worked in the bar at the Bronco’s League Club. You soon learn to look after yourself. Some of those guys were even bigger than you Arnel. Talking about guys and not meaning to be rude but is it true that you’re really a bloke?
Councillor Shizeknicker: What makes you ask dat?
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Oh, there are rumours. People say you’re an Israeli welder or something. They say you disguised yourself as a female Austrian power lifter to get into the country. I’m sure it’s all rubbish but you do have a deep voice and you’re very heavily muscled even for a power lifter and you do seem extraordinarily mannish.
Mayor Porker: Also you seem to have ripped your panties and your cock’s hanging out.
END OF FILE TWO
3/24/09
Star Chamber - File One.
Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. March 24 - 3009
(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)
Report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.
The period directly following The Failing was chaotic. There are very few records available that give us clues as to why The Failing occurred or even precisely what it was. What we do know is that civilisation collapsed into an anarchic state that became dependant on tribal warfare to maintain rudiments of stability. Not until around 2500 did the world begin to come to order and some nation states reformed including Greater Austranesia. By this time almost all contact with the past had been lost and history had become little more than legend and myth.
Until now, the principal source of pre-Failing history has been the only intact historical document from that period to be found. This is, of course, the autobiography of Pauline Hanson - “Chips With Everything.” The importance of Pauline Hanson’s contribution to modern socio-political development cannot be overstated. It has been said that without her influence the Austral-Indonesian Civil War (2780-2783) would not have been fought. This clash of ideology between Caucasian and Asian population groups led directly to the rise of The Austranesian Axis that is now the world’s dominant power bloc.
There has been some speculation about the origin of the name Boganville by which we know the area encompassing most of the eastern coastal region of the Brisbalian continent. A recent discovery may indicate that this name is derived from Bogan Chitty, a relatively tiny part of early Brisbalia. However the discovery may have far more significance than that; it is suggested that we may be close to determining the source of The Failing.
But first, a little about the discovery itself:
In December 3006 The Pauline Hanson Memorial University funded archaeological exploration of Beaujimboo Lake. This enormous body of brackish water has been explored many times but only before the archaeological recovery of electromagnetic principals. These principals enabled post-Failing scientists to redevelop computer technology as well as many other electronic aids to research.
With the help of this technology, particularly sonar imaging, we were able to find traces of pre-Failing construction almost at the centre of Beaujimboo Lake and at a depth of 80 metres. On further investigation it became clear that we had found a building of great significance. A bronze plaque fixed to the structure stated that the building was The Bogan Chitty Council Offices. Inside the offices a relatively well-preserved pre-Failing spray painted message informed us that someone called “Bazo” urged our exploration team to “Fuk Awf or Fase Def”. This message is being studied by university cryptologists to determine its meaning.
One month after the initial discovery the underwater excavation revealed the door to a hidden room. It appeared to be a vault or similar secure area and was watertight. Because of the distinct possibility that the inside of this vault would be dry, an airlock was constructed before the door was breached. The inside was, indeed, very dry and contained thirteen corpses (twelve of them skeletal and one mummified) as well as the most comprehensive documentation and imagery of pre-Failing society ever found. We can now say with some certainty what caused The Failing and who was responsible.
We are releasing the video record of a particular administrative group known as the Bogan Chitty Council. We believe this record shows that not only can The Failing be attributed to this group but that responsibility for the almost total destruction of civilisation in the year 2012 rests principally with only one member of that Bogan Chitty Council.
This video record will be released in the order in which it was created. However, much of the material may not be relevant to our investigation and these sections may be left out. For those without high-end computers we are providing text transcripts and explanatory notes as a default. If you wish to view the original video please click on the green button marked “View Video”. If your computer is below specification or you do not have the correct video codex on your system (vidblert400.syst) then this button will not be available to you.
Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009
**********************************************************
Bogan Star Chamber Meeting – File One
23rd March 2009.
(We are inside a steel lined room. One wall is covered with CCTV screens showing all angles of approach to this location. Along another wall several computers are ranged. Four doors, a drinks cabinet and a caged cockatoo take up the rest of the wall space. A meeting is about to begin and, with the documentation available, we are able to identify the twelve people sitting around the large boardroom table positioned at the centre of the room.
They are: Primula Porker – Mayor of Bogan, Councillor Lizzie Borden, Councillor Sean Bean, Councillor Grimwold Hobo, Councillor Luke Skypilot, Councillor Winnie Quark, Councillor Ann Appuladay, Councillor Philip Shidehawk, Councillor Dicky Mower, Councillor Arnel Shizeknicker, Councillor Madigan Axeman, Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft.
Only one of the chairs around the table is unoccupied. The meeting begins.)
Mayor Porker: I’d like to welcome you all to the inaugural meeting of The Bogan Star Chamber. These meetings will deal with issues that will never become public and, for that reason, nothing said here will ever be repeated outside of this room. There will be only one electronic record made for our future reference and it will be stored here and only here. These rules are sacrosanct.
But before we begin the meeting proper, I want to welcome a new member to our little group – Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft. Gerhardt has kindly agreed to serve on this council as a replacement for Roscoe Lunchpack who really did turn out to be a Mossad spy after all. Welcome Gerhardt, please make yourself at home.
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: Ja vole, mine leap frow milk!
Councillor Sean Bean: I don’t think you’re really German are you?
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: Well......nine, I’m not really. Not as such.
Mayor Porker: I also would like you all to join with me in expressing our deep sorrow for the loss of Andy McDuck. As you know, Andy has passed on to a better place and everyone will miss him.
Councillor Grimy Hobo: Did they catch the driver?
Mayor Porker: No but the important thing now is to move on, so I’m already conducting interviews in my search for a suitable replacement.
Councillor Luke Skypilot: Forgive me Mayor Porker, but don’t we have to have an election or something? I mean, Gerhardt was elected wasn’t he?
Mayor Porker: Don’t be silly, Luke, we don’t have time for all that nonsense. Besides, by the time the proles work it out it will be time for the next council elections and they can elect them then. It’s not as though they would care anyway. Look at the mess Yuteman made of Jimboomba with that Deathdozer and the train wreck. Hardly anyone noticed, they thought the council was just doing a bit of road widening.
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Yes, what happened with that Comedy of Errors? I thought it was being put out on broadband or DVD or something and we would all make a bit of money out of it.
Councillor Grimwold Hobo: Nah! Yuteman fucked it up and lost all the footage. He’s just a senile old fart. You can forget all that.
Mayor Porker: Oh, he wasn’t so bad.
Councillor Sean Bean: Oh yes. Oh yes, just because he called you “The Maid of Bogan” and made you seem half intelligent you think he ‘wasn’t so bad’. What a load of bollocks! Well, as far as I’m concerned he made me look like a right fucking prick!
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Sean, that’s because you are a right fucking prick.
Councillor Sean Bean: Sod off Lizzie!
Mayor Porker: In that case, Sean, you won’t be interested in the part he’s written for you in his new production.
Councillor Sean Bean: What new production? What part?
Mayor Porker: I had an email from Ron yesterday. (dramatic pause) He wants to do a re-make of The Sound of Music and……….. he wants us all to be in it!
(There is applause around the table and a lot of happy, excited faces. There is chatter and some impromptu snatches of song.)
Councillor Sean Bean: What’s my part, what’s my part?
Mayor Porker: Later everyone. I know this is wonderful news but we have some serious things to consider at this meeting. We will get back to The Sound of Music afterwards (Oh, I do hope I get Maria.)
(Mayor Porker pulls a stack of files to a convenient position in front of her and opens the top file.)
Mayor Porker: Anyway, to business! You may be wondering what we are doing here in this room. Most of you didn’t even know the place existed and with good reason. This is possibly the most secret and secure area in southeast Queensland apart from Councillor Shizeknickers knackers. It was designed as a nuclear bomb shelter and can be totally isolated from the outside world. I am told that this council could survive for two years in here after the main door has been sealed. It was built long before our time of course but if you want to find out more about it, ask Grimy later.
Councillor Grimy Hobo: Hey! Don’t drag me into this. I didn’t get the sodding place built, I just happened to be a little bit involved - that’s all.
Mayor Porker: Later Grimy. Let’s get to the reason why we are here. We have had a few problems in recent months. There’s been a lot of in-fighting, backstabbing and generally negative activity in this council and it has to stop! I know why it’s going on. Some of you are thinking about re-election down the track, but it isn’t going to happen – deal with it! We missed a golden opportunity right at the start and won’t recover from that.
We were elected after amalgamation and a whole new electorate looked to us for integrity, leadership and reassurance, so what did we do? Almost our very first act was to vote our selves a massive pay rise. Oh, I know all about what the regulations required at the time but I know, you know and every other bugger knows we could have walked away from it with honour. Just imagine if the new council had stood up and said:
‘We know what we are allowed to do but this is more important than us. The electorate don’t want the first act of their elected council to be seen as leeching even more hard-earned cash from hard-pressed ratepayers. When 40% of Bogan families have to survive on a third of a councillors salary and most of the rest need two incomes to match that same salary, it is not only inappropriate but simply immoral for councillors to take more.’
(There is a pause as Mayor Porker looks around the table. The other councillors fidget and say nothing.)
Mayor Porker: The buggers would have been eating out of our hands. After that we could have done anything and got away with it. But no! We were greedy little amateurs and jumped straight into the trough without a thought for the future. Now we are all tagged as grasping, self-centred shits who don’t give a toss about the people of Bogan. And before you start bleating on with all that trite crap about how difficult our job is and about the salaries that are paid in the private sector please remember that 83% of the Bogan electorate each believe they could do our job in their spare time without breaking into a sweat and 50% of those people might well be right. Let’s face it, we must be short of things to do if we have to ponce around forming little power cliques and generally acting like soap opera bit players. As for the private sector – some of us would find trouble getting a salary above minimum wage let alone taking on a highly paid executive position where you have to actually know what you’re doing.
So! All of us got into this game for one reason – to get rich. Don’t look shocked Winnie; it’s why everyone goes to work. To get money, to get rich – fact of life. Our specific problem is that we don’t have much time left to take advantage of the golden Bogan goose. Instead of spreading our take over a few terms we now have to go for the big payday – and I have a plan.
Ladies and Gentlemen of The Bogan Star Chamber, with the help of little known but quite proper legislation, our little group is going to steal Queensland. All we need to make the heist possible is a dire emergency - so we need to create one. Suggestions?
END OF FILE ONE.
(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)
Report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.
The period directly following The Failing was chaotic. There are very few records available that give us clues as to why The Failing occurred or even precisely what it was. What we do know is that civilisation collapsed into an anarchic state that became dependant on tribal warfare to maintain rudiments of stability. Not until around 2500 did the world begin to come to order and some nation states reformed including Greater Austranesia. By this time almost all contact with the past had been lost and history had become little more than legend and myth.
Until now, the principal source of pre-Failing history has been the only intact historical document from that period to be found. This is, of course, the autobiography of Pauline Hanson - “Chips With Everything.” The importance of Pauline Hanson’s contribution to modern socio-political development cannot be overstated. It has been said that without her influence the Austral-Indonesian Civil War (2780-2783) would not have been fought. This clash of ideology between Caucasian and Asian population groups led directly to the rise of The Austranesian Axis that is now the world’s dominant power bloc.
There has been some speculation about the origin of the name Boganville by which we know the area encompassing most of the eastern coastal region of the Brisbalian continent. A recent discovery may indicate that this name is derived from Bogan Chitty, a relatively tiny part of early Brisbalia. However the discovery may have far more significance than that; it is suggested that we may be close to determining the source of The Failing.
But first, a little about the discovery itself:
In December 3006 The Pauline Hanson Memorial University funded archaeological exploration of Beaujimboo Lake. This enormous body of brackish water has been explored many times but only before the archaeological recovery of electromagnetic principals. These principals enabled post-Failing scientists to redevelop computer technology as well as many other electronic aids to research.
With the help of this technology, particularly sonar imaging, we were able to find traces of pre-Failing construction almost at the centre of Beaujimboo Lake and at a depth of 80 metres. On further investigation it became clear that we had found a building of great significance. A bronze plaque fixed to the structure stated that the building was The Bogan Chitty Council Offices. Inside the offices a relatively well-preserved pre-Failing spray painted message informed us that someone called “Bazo” urged our exploration team to “Fuk Awf or Fase Def”. This message is being studied by university cryptologists to determine its meaning.
One month after the initial discovery the underwater excavation revealed the door to a hidden room. It appeared to be a vault or similar secure area and was watertight. Because of the distinct possibility that the inside of this vault would be dry, an airlock was constructed before the door was breached. The inside was, indeed, very dry and contained thirteen corpses (twelve of them skeletal and one mummified) as well as the most comprehensive documentation and imagery of pre-Failing society ever found. We can now say with some certainty what caused The Failing and who was responsible.
We are releasing the video record of a particular administrative group known as the Bogan Chitty Council. We believe this record shows that not only can The Failing be attributed to this group but that responsibility for the almost total destruction of civilisation in the year 2012 rests principally with only one member of that Bogan Chitty Council.
This video record will be released in the order in which it was created. However, much of the material may not be relevant to our investigation and these sections may be left out. For those without high-end computers we are providing text transcripts and explanatory notes as a default. If you wish to view the original video please click on the green button marked “View Video”. If your computer is below specification or you do not have the correct video codex on your system (vidblert400.syst) then this button will not be available to you.
Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009
**********************************************************
Bogan Star Chamber Meeting – File One
23rd March 2009.
(We are inside a steel lined room. One wall is covered with CCTV screens showing all angles of approach to this location. Along another wall several computers are ranged. Four doors, a drinks cabinet and a caged cockatoo take up the rest of the wall space. A meeting is about to begin and, with the documentation available, we are able to identify the twelve people sitting around the large boardroom table positioned at the centre of the room.
They are: Primula Porker – Mayor of Bogan, Councillor Lizzie Borden, Councillor Sean Bean, Councillor Grimwold Hobo, Councillor Luke Skypilot, Councillor Winnie Quark, Councillor Ann Appuladay, Councillor Philip Shidehawk, Councillor Dicky Mower, Councillor Arnel Shizeknicker, Councillor Madigan Axeman, Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft.
Only one of the chairs around the table is unoccupied. The meeting begins.)
Mayor Porker: I’d like to welcome you all to the inaugural meeting of The Bogan Star Chamber. These meetings will deal with issues that will never become public and, for that reason, nothing said here will ever be repeated outside of this room. There will be only one electronic record made for our future reference and it will be stored here and only here. These rules are sacrosanct.
But before we begin the meeting proper, I want to welcome a new member to our little group – Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft. Gerhardt has kindly agreed to serve on this council as a replacement for Roscoe Lunchpack who really did turn out to be a Mossad spy after all. Welcome Gerhardt, please make yourself at home.
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: Ja vole, mine leap frow milk!
Councillor Sean Bean: I don’t think you’re really German are you?
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: Well......nine, I’m not really. Not as such.
Mayor Porker: I also would like you all to join with me in expressing our deep sorrow for the loss of Andy McDuck. As you know, Andy has passed on to a better place and everyone will miss him.
Councillor Grimy Hobo: Did they catch the driver?
Mayor Porker: No but the important thing now is to move on, so I’m already conducting interviews in my search for a suitable replacement.
Councillor Luke Skypilot: Forgive me Mayor Porker, but don’t we have to have an election or something? I mean, Gerhardt was elected wasn’t he?
Mayor Porker: Don’t be silly, Luke, we don’t have time for all that nonsense. Besides, by the time the proles work it out it will be time for the next council elections and they can elect them then. It’s not as though they would care anyway. Look at the mess Yuteman made of Jimboomba with that Deathdozer and the train wreck. Hardly anyone noticed, they thought the council was just doing a bit of road widening.
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Yes, what happened with that Comedy of Errors? I thought it was being put out on broadband or DVD or something and we would all make a bit of money out of it.
Councillor Grimwold Hobo: Nah! Yuteman fucked it up and lost all the footage. He’s just a senile old fart. You can forget all that.
Mayor Porker: Oh, he wasn’t so bad.
Councillor Sean Bean: Oh yes. Oh yes, just because he called you “The Maid of Bogan” and made you seem half intelligent you think he ‘wasn’t so bad’. What a load of bollocks! Well, as far as I’m concerned he made me look like a right fucking prick!
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Sean, that’s because you are a right fucking prick.
Councillor Sean Bean: Sod off Lizzie!
Mayor Porker: In that case, Sean, you won’t be interested in the part he’s written for you in his new production.
Councillor Sean Bean: What new production? What part?
Mayor Porker: I had an email from Ron yesterday. (dramatic pause) He wants to do a re-make of The Sound of Music and……….. he wants us all to be in it!
(There is applause around the table and a lot of happy, excited faces. There is chatter and some impromptu snatches of song.)
Councillor Sean Bean: What’s my part, what’s my part?
Mayor Porker: Later everyone. I know this is wonderful news but we have some serious things to consider at this meeting. We will get back to The Sound of Music afterwards (Oh, I do hope I get Maria.)
(Mayor Porker pulls a stack of files to a convenient position in front of her and opens the top file.)
Mayor Porker: Anyway, to business! You may be wondering what we are doing here in this room. Most of you didn’t even know the place existed and with good reason. This is possibly the most secret and secure area in southeast Queensland apart from Councillor Shizeknickers knackers. It was designed as a nuclear bomb shelter and can be totally isolated from the outside world. I am told that this council could survive for two years in here after the main door has been sealed. It was built long before our time of course but if you want to find out more about it, ask Grimy later.
Councillor Grimy Hobo: Hey! Don’t drag me into this. I didn’t get the sodding place built, I just happened to be a little bit involved - that’s all.
Mayor Porker: Later Grimy. Let’s get to the reason why we are here. We have had a few problems in recent months. There’s been a lot of in-fighting, backstabbing and generally negative activity in this council and it has to stop! I know why it’s going on. Some of you are thinking about re-election down the track, but it isn’t going to happen – deal with it! We missed a golden opportunity right at the start and won’t recover from that.
We were elected after amalgamation and a whole new electorate looked to us for integrity, leadership and reassurance, so what did we do? Almost our very first act was to vote our selves a massive pay rise. Oh, I know all about what the regulations required at the time but I know, you know and every other bugger knows we could have walked away from it with honour. Just imagine if the new council had stood up and said:
‘We know what we are allowed to do but this is more important than us. The electorate don’t want the first act of their elected council to be seen as leeching even more hard-earned cash from hard-pressed ratepayers. When 40% of Bogan families have to survive on a third of a councillors salary and most of the rest need two incomes to match that same salary, it is not only inappropriate but simply immoral for councillors to take more.’
(There is a pause as Mayor Porker looks around the table. The other councillors fidget and say nothing.)
Mayor Porker: The buggers would have been eating out of our hands. After that we could have done anything and got away with it. But no! We were greedy little amateurs and jumped straight into the trough without a thought for the future. Now we are all tagged as grasping, self-centred shits who don’t give a toss about the people of Bogan. And before you start bleating on with all that trite crap about how difficult our job is and about the salaries that are paid in the private sector please remember that 83% of the Bogan electorate each believe they could do our job in their spare time without breaking into a sweat and 50% of those people might well be right. Let’s face it, we must be short of things to do if we have to ponce around forming little power cliques and generally acting like soap opera bit players. As for the private sector – some of us would find trouble getting a salary above minimum wage let alone taking on a highly paid executive position where you have to actually know what you’re doing.
So! All of us got into this game for one reason – to get rich. Don’t look shocked Winnie; it’s why everyone goes to work. To get money, to get rich – fact of life. Our specific problem is that we don’t have much time left to take advantage of the golden Bogan goose. Instead of spreading our take over a few terms we now have to go for the big payday – and I have a plan.
Ladies and Gentlemen of The Bogan Star Chamber, with the help of little known but quite proper legislation, our little group is going to steal Queensland. All we need to make the heist possible is a dire emergency - so we need to create one. Suggestions?
END OF FILE ONE.
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