The Bogan Councillors have been transported to a German prisoner of war camp in the year 1943. It is a time-displaced location occupying exactly the same position as a Jimboomba playschool. The playschool operates normally in 2009 and the staff and children have no idea what a fractionally different perspective would reveal. The Bogan Councillors are equally unaware that the surly, broken nosed guard screaming at them is, from another point of view, a petite young lady singing “The Wheels On the Bus Go Round and Round” to a mob of 3-year-olds. In the meantime, the special agents with extraordinary powers are settling in to their task at the Bogan Council Offices.
BOGAN COUNCIL OFFICES.
(The first council meeting of the Allied task force takes place and they are anxious to clear the backlog of council work so that they can concentrate on the missing testicles of Emperor Clump the One’th.)
Windy Woman: I replace the Mayor so I suppose I’d better start things rolling.
Elastic Lass: That hardly seems fair when you consider I have the most experience in this situation. I have actually served on this council, you know.
Blob the Boulder: Don’t any of you forget that I am here in a supervisory role to oversee the return of our sacred relics. Perhaps I should take the lead.
Invisible Woman: Surely it doesn’t matter. We will each contribute according to our gifts. There is no one actually “in charge”, but we must still appear to be the council we have replaced. As far as that council is concerned, Mayor Porker is the presiding officer and must appear to continue in that role. Therefore, Windy Woman must be our perceived leader, regardless of the true decision making process which will involve us all equally.
Green Garbo: I have no idea who said that, but it makes sense.
(And so it was agreed. The special council meeting continues under the leadership of Windy Woman. Meanwhile, 30 kilometres away in 1943……….)
STALAG LUFT FUNF.
(The Bogan councillors are standing in a straggling line under the fierce glare of floodlights. They are in a muddy compound and are being contemptuously inspected by Camp Commandant Friedreich von Guntschniffer.)
Commandant von Guntschniffer: You have already been welcomed to this camp by Ober-ointment Pishfeeler, so I won’t bother with any more heavy irony about your new home etcetera. Instead, I should like to acquaint you with a few simple rules.
Rule 1 – Follow the orders of any German officer or guard.
Rule 2 – Do not attempt to escape because you will be shot.
Rule 3 – There is no rule 3.
Do you have any questions?
Mayor Porker: I don’t know who you are or what organization you belong to but you should know that we are an important local council with some extremely powerful connections. What you have done, and continue to do, is criminal and I promise that you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
Commandant von Guntschniffer: You all seem to be under some sort of misapprehension. There is no longer any law for British commando units. Your pathetic armed forces have been annihilated by German might and now, cowardly creatures like you are sent by the British to skulk in the dark and stab us in the back. I can tell by your ridiculous accent that you are from Australia – a backwater of the decaying British Empire. I am told that Australians are fierce fighters but poorly disciplined. Please be assured that in the short time you have left here before your execution, you will at least come to understand the meaning of discipline.
Mayor Porker: This is ridiculous. I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just don’t know what to tell you………..! Look, the best thing you can do is let us go and we will do what we can to help you. I am sure there are mitigating circumstances.
Sean Bean: Like your fucking mental health for instance.
(Commandant von Guntschniffer raises one eyebrow and glances over his shoulder. Ober-ointment Pishfeeler emerges from the shadows and whips a backhanded blow across Sean’s face. The German then begins to beat Sean systematically. Sean squeals and desperately tries to protect his head but Pishfeeler then changes his attack to the body. The beating is brutal and Pishfeeler is impassive. He studies, selects and strikes at the head then body, head then body, again and again until Sean falls, only to be kicked with the same viscous disregard for life. Eventually, the Commandant holds up a languid hand. Pishfeeler steps back into the shadows. The Bogan councillors are panting and gasping with shock as they stare wild eyed at the bloody, broken wreck that was Sean Bean.)
Commandant von Guntschniffer: Unacceptable behaviour will not be tolerated here. Prisoner Bean will now spend 15 minutes on the naughty seat, but first – Ober-ointment Pishfeeler!
Pishfeeler: Mine Commandant?
Commandant von Guntschniffer: You know that we do not wish there to be bad feeling left to simmer in this camp. You will hug the prisoner Bean and say you are sorry.
Pishfeeler: Ya vole mine Commandant!
Commandant von Guntschniffer: Prisoner Bean, you will return the hug and also say you are sorry, then that will be an end to this nonsense.
(Pishfeeler drags Sean upright and gives him a bone-crushing hug. After a brief apology, the thug throws Sean onto a red packing crate positioned against the wall of a hut. After a few moments of intent listening, Pishfeeler props Sean’s limp body against the wall and turns to the Commandant.)
Pishfeeler: The prisoner refuses to say sorry, mine Commandant.
Commandant von Guntschniffer: Then he will spend an extra half an hour on the naughty seat and after that you will all be taken to your quarters. You will remain there at all times except for a one hour exercise period in a restricted out-door compound. You will each wear a hat at all times when you are outside – no hat, no play. You will not mix with the other prisoners. This is not a new rule – it is merely Rule 1 in action. You will be fed in the morning and at night. During daylight hours, you will engage in creative exercises and you will be taught suitable songs and nursery rhymes. At night you will sleep, although there will be an additional nap period during the day with a soft wool ‘Adolf’ doll provided for those who have forgotten their teddy. That is all that is required of you. Ober-ointment Pishfeeler will arrange for you to receive a bowl of water and a cloth so that you may treat your wounded and clean up after finger painting. Heil Hitler!
(There is a sound like the tweet of a happy bird or perhaps like the squeak of a rusty wheel. Whatever the sound is like, it accompanies a sudden time lock and the scene in the room freezes. Only one figure moves. It is one of the German guards but we can see it is actually ‘Dark Suit’, the man who interrupted the Bogan council meeting and drove them to this place. Dark Suit wanders through this snapshot of a moment in time. He is obviously astonished and horrified by the events that have just taken place. He shakes his head and mutters continuously and then snatches a small devise from his pocket and speaks into it.)
Dark Suit: Crudman, speak to me Crudman.
Devise: Crudman.
Dark Suit: Who the fracket chose this prison camp?
Devise: Why?
Dark Suit: I thought so. It was you, wasn’t it?
Devise: Yes, but what’s the problem?
Dark Suit: I don’t know how much research you did on this place, Crudman, but the poor bastards I brought here are being beaten to death and the Commandant’s talking about executions!
Devise: What’s the difference between being beaten to death and execution?
Dark Suit: Don’t fracket about, you prak! This is fracketing serious; we have to get them out of here.
Devise: You know we can’t do that. This is real time stuff; we can’t just rub it out and start again. We would end up with an extra universe, a mob of schizophrenics and anomalies that would make Earth’s Kennedy conspiracy look like a little problem with the next-door neighbour. You will just have to adjust the situation by persuasion at your end.
Dark Suit: There are enough anomalies already! There seems to be some information bleed between this camp and the play school - have you been monitoring the kids in 2009?
Devise: Yeah, there…uh…ok, I think.
Dark Suit: You think? What’s happening there, Crudman?
Devise: Well, there’s no harm done but the kids do seem to be marching up and down rather a lot and…uh…a group of them have started a tunnel in the sand pit.
Dark Suit: A fracketing tunnel? Crudman, what have you done?
Devise: Nothing. It’s all right, honestly. The kids seem happy enough and the tunnel crew are doing very well. They’re half way to the fence already. The crafty little devils are smuggling the dirt out in their lunch boxes – quite smart really.
Dark Suit: Get it sorted out, Crudman, before one of the mothers gets shot trying to spring their kid out of playschool. In the meantime, I’ll try to fix this end.
Device: Right, I’m on it – but you will have to do something quickly about the Bogan mob. Bean’s readings indicate he will die if he doesn’t get medical treatment soon and Mower isn’t too good either.
Dark Suit: Fracket! ….. Ok, I think I know what to do. When I first contacted the Commandant and gave him instructions, I was posing as a Gestapo agent. Tell Wardrobe to have my black Gestapo outfit ready at the perception anomaly gateway. I’ll be right over.
(As far as Von Guntschniffer is concerned, there has been no interruption. He was merely aware of a brief tiredness that caused him to hesitate and close his eyes for a moment. The door to the room crashes back against the wall and the same sinister Gestapo Officer he had met previously stalks into the room.)
Gestapo Officer: Commandant von Guntschniffer! I believe you are exceeding your authority! Who gave you permission to torture these prisoners?
Commandant von Guntschniffer: I….I don’t understand. You said they were enemy commandos and the orders direct from the Furrier indicate that……
Gestapo Officer: SCIENTIFIC commandos - that is what I said. Do you think, even the British would use women among their cowardly commando raiders? I credited you with a little more intelligence than that. I can see we will have to review your position but in the meantime, these prisoners are to be treated with the utmost courtesy and respect. They are to be isolated from the other prisoners but not harmed in any way. They have vital scientific information that the Gestapo will extract from them using our own methods. These are the wishes of our beloved Furrier. Do you understand, Commandant?
Commandant von Guntschniffer: Yes sir.
Gestapo Officer: I will take the prisoner Bean, to Gestapo Headquarters in Berlin where he will receive special medical treatment. You! – Pishfeeler! You can carry him to the main gate where I have transport waiting. Hair Mower, are you able to walk?
Dicky Mower: Uh…yes, yes I can walk.
Gestapo Officer: Then you will come with us and get treatment for your injuries. Commandant von Guntschniffer, I have a further request.
Commandant von Guntschniffer: Yes sir?
Gestapo Officer: I would like to take Ober-ointment Pishfeeler with me. I believe his talents can be put to better use elsewhere. I will, of course send you a replacement. This replacement will be more suitable for the delicate task of caring for these special prisoners. Ober-ointment Schwartzenklobber will serve you well and he will also keep me fully informed of everything that goes on here. Agreed Commandant?
Commandant von Guntschniffer: Of course.
*****************************************
(The Alliance ‘anomaly gate controllers’ act in frantic haste to repair the damage. Bean and Mower are transported to universe 5(6) where they are given accelerated medical treatment and Crudman arranges a baby sitter to oversee the playschool project. Later, Crudman and Dark Suit meet to discuss the amendments to the plan.)
Crudman: We found someone trustworthy who was looking for a bit of part-time work so we’ve moved her onto the playschool staff. She’s semi-aware of what we’re doing but knows nothing about the time anomaly itself. She’s just been briefed to protect the kids from any strange activity.
Dark Suit: Good. I’m going back into Stalag Luft Funf as the replacement Schwartzenklobber. I should be able to keep things on an even keel. I hope the baby sitter you’ve picked is up to the job.
Crudman: Should be - she’s a pretty impressive looking woman, even for Earth.
Dark Suit: Just in case I have to swap zones for any reason, whom should I ask for if I want to speak to this baby sitter?
Crudman: Arnell Shizeknicker.
TO BE CONTINUED.
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