The Bogan councillors are back home minus Ann Appuladay and Sean Bean. Gabby and Bart Rugarse are also missing. Mower learns that Ann and Gabby are to be used on a covert CIA mission to destroy a Chinese chemical warfare facility in China. There is no news of Sean Bean but during an informal council meeting the councillors discuss the reports about Bart Rugarse being washed up alive and well on a Redcliffe shore.
Mayor Porker: Apparently he made a raft of black rubber duckies lashed together. The sod drifted for days and circled Morton Island twice before washing up at Victoria Point almost out of his head with hunger and thirst.
Shizeknicker: Der ist no sign of Sean though.
Grimy: Yeah, our luck’s holding so far. Fingers crossed eh?
Lizzie: It’s Ann that worries me. I do hope she’s all right.
Axeman: Christ, Lizzie! We were told to forget all that. Do you want to get me assassinated?
Lizzie: I’ll have to think about that one, Axeman.
Luke: Fighting among ourselves doesn’t help.
Grimy: Why not? It’s what made Bogan the Council it is today.
Mayor Porker: Shut up all of you! I don’t give a shit about the CIA. What do you think, Mower, you know those CIA arseholes better than anyone; will Ann be okay?
Mower: I think it will depend entirely on Ann.
Mayor Porker: In what way?
Mower: In a few days, maybe a week, it will be Ann calling the shots – not the CIA.
SIX DAYS LATER
On board the USS Pie Dish, 150 nautical miles from the South China coast.
(Captain Happy Dayz has brought his vessel to the takeover point. Along with some of the crew, Captain Happy Dayz was recruited from a circus troupe of dwarves that he had managed and performed with for twelve years. He is pleased that most of his friends are on board with him. Gloopy, Boopy, Snoopy and Happy Dayz had doubled as a maintenance gang in the flea bitten circus they had come from and the US Navy instructors appointed by the CIA had rapidly developed their skills. Boopy, in particular, had taken to the Sonar Systems as if he had been operating them for years.
But the USS Pie Dish was designed to be simple to operate. Most of the systems in the peculiar submersible are automatic and, once set, can function for days without human intervention. The vessel is well named and does indeed look like an upside down oval pie dish. It measures 18 metres from stem to stern and has a beam of 10 metres but it is the depth of 1.2 metres that gives the USS Pie Dish its greatest advantage. It can operate undetected in very shallow water and its superstructure is moulded and textured to resemble a conglomerate of rock and mud. It isn’t built for speed; it is built to be invisible. The thin edges of the sub can be made to undulate in open water like the edges of a fish shoal. So effective is this ploy that, during a training exercise along the Grand Banks, a commercial fishing trawler chased the USS Pie Dish for three days. The sub has many other unique features but these are under the control of the Tactical Officer, Ann Appuladay.
The only part of the crew that worries the Captain is the Delta Assault Squad. They are a hardened group of Bosnian dwarves and are led by an Australian kid who frightens Captain Happy Dayz. The kid is cold and very focused and, despite being known as Gabby, she hardly speaks. The Captain has several times tried to have a conversation with Gabby but the look in her eyes dries his mouth. It is the look of death. The only person Gabby speaks freely with is the Tactical Officer. The Captain has a lot of time for Ann. He respects her judgement and trusts her absolutely. He is glad it is now time to hand over operations to her.)
Capt. Happy Dayz: It’s time Tactical Officer Appuladay.
T.O. Ann: Thank you Captain.
Capt. Happy Dayz: Crew of the USS Pie Dish, this is your Captain. This boat is now under the command of Tactical Officer Appuladay. From now on all operational orders must be confirmed by the TO. Good luck Ann.
T.O. Ann: Helm – continue on this course and speed. Sonar – passive only. Find me a growler Mr. Boopy.
Sonar Boopy: Aye-aye, Ma'am.
(For the next eight hours USS Pie Dish slides closer to the mouth of the Tai River. Sonar searches for a surface vessel that is preferably old and very noisy – a ‘growler’. Thirty nautical miles from the Tai, Boopy finds what he is looking for.)
Sonar Boopy: Growler ahead, TO. Looks like a big trawler. Speed about eight knots and it sounds like an elephant shitting tin cans. It’s heading right for the river.
T.O. Ann: Thank you, Sonar. Deploy Eyes.
(The ‘Eyes’ are at the end of a 200-metre fibre optic cable. The cable is incredibly fine and on the end it has a gyro-camera mounted in a small flotation cage. When the cage reaches the surface it remains below the water feeding or rewinding the cable to keep the tiny camera vertically stabilised above the waves. Together with the gyros, this gives Ann a near rock steady all round view. She sees the ‘growler’ and it looks the way it sounds, just a crappy old trawler going home.)
T.O. Ann: Rewind Eyes. All hands – clear the boat and rig for silent running. Coms – total radio silence. Grab Crew – stand by. Sonar – sharp ears. I want to know if that trawler sends anything other than engine noise. It may not look like a surveillance vessel but we have to assume it may be. Captain - please take us right up that trawlers tin arse.
(The USS Pie Dish closes in on the Chinese trawler and is soon directly below the noisy vessel. This is when the tricky bit begins. Using external cameras and a joystick to manoeuvre the sub, the USS Pie Dish is brought to within millimetres of the trawlers keel. At this point Ann orders the Grab to lock on. The eight mechanical arms extend and feel their way to the hull of the fishing boat – they grip. It is a perfect manoeuvre. There is no sound. The USS Pie Dish maintains a matching speed and is now part of the trawler.
From now on all orders will be passed in whispers down the line. They enter the mouth of the Tai River.)
MEANWHILE – THE LODGE, CANBERRA.
(Prime Minister Kevin Rudd (Fuk Ho) is sitting at his impressive desk filling in a Lotto coupon. He lives in fear that the tale of his Chinese background will get out and he will be thrown back into the Take-Away business. There is a knock at the door and his secretary pops her head in.)
Secretary: He’s here, Prime Minister.
Kevin Fuk Ho: Ah yes, show him in please and you may go to lunch.
Secretary: Yes sir. Please come in Mr. Rugarse.
Kevin Fuk Ho: Bart, it’s good to see you again. None the worse for your little adventure I hope?
Bart Rugarse: I’m just fine, Prime Minister. You are also fully recovered I trust?
Kevin Fuk Ho: Oh, I’m in top shape, Bart, couldn’t be better. Now what can I do for you?
Bart Rugarse: It’s a delicate matter, Prime Minister. Bit of a ‘bull in a china shop’ situation if you catch my drift.
(Kevin Fuk Ho’s hand slides along the edge of his desk and he presses a hidden button. This cuts off all audio and video recording. It is a useful button for Prime Ministers who like to fart or pick their nose in the office.)
Kevin Fuk Ho: Okay, we’re clear. What have you got?
Bart Rugarse: I’ve had word from the Chinese Ambassador. The Chinese government would like to return an Australian citizen they are holding.
Kevin Fuk Ho: It’s Bean isn’t it?
Bart Rugarse: Yes. Apparently he is giving them the absolute shits and they would like to dump him as soon as possible. I think the actual words were, “Take this fucking shit back before he drives us round the bend.”
Kevin Fuk Ho: It doesn’t make sense. No one knows where he is, why don’t they just kill him and be done with it? Nobody would be any the wiser.
Bart Rugarse: I’m sure I don’t know Prime Minister. I am merely a humble conduit.
Kevin Fuk Ho: Oh, come on Bart. You’ve changed out of all recognition in the last year. Remember when I posed with you for your campaign photos? You always had that wild-eyed, terrified look about you. Someone said you looked like a rabbit with a sharp carrot rammed up your arse. But now you’re a man in control. What happened?
Bart Rugarse: Ah yes, the eyes. They didn’t do a very good job did they? Just dumped me here without back up, no way to communicate. Christ, I had to sing that bloody silly song during my maiden speech just to send a coded message to Beijing. What a fuck up that was. But I got the eyes re-done and here we are now, all ready for the main event.
Kevin Fuk Ho: Oh my God. Who are you?
(Bart Rugarse leans across the desk and stares intently into the Prime Minister’s eyes.)
Bart Rugarse: Melly Clistmus Missuh Ludd.
(The Prime Minister slumps in his chair. Bart Rugarse then whispers a codeword that sends a message deep into Kevin Fuk Ho’s mind and stirs an implanted response. Rugarse is now in total control of the Australian Prime Minister.)
Kevin Fuk Ho: They turned Bean, didn’t they? In only a week?
Bart Rugarse: WE turned him, Fuk Ho. Don’t you forget who you are again. As for Bean, he didn’t really need turning. He was delighted to betray his country for a gold plated ‘Secret Agent’ badge, a new car and a guaranteed senior position in the new Australian government when we take over. But we’ll get to Bean later. For now I need to know exactly what happened on Coochie Mudlo after I left the briefing room and I particularly want to know everything the ASIO and CIA agents told you. Everything!
MEANWHILE –ON THE TAI RIVER, SOUTHERN CHINA.
(The USS Pie Dish is carried into the Tai River attached to the hull of the trawler. As they near the secret chemical warfare complex Tactical Officer Ann Appuladay orders separation. This is accomplished as silently as the attachment. They drift deeper and are soon resting on the bottom and 300 metres from the complex.)
T.O. Ann: Pass the word to deploy eyes to 30 metres.
(Ann gets her first sight of the Chinese chemical warfare complex. It is a deceptively simple construction, low, blocky, no windows. Four armed guards patrol the dock in front of the complex. There is a guardhouse 50 metres to the right and a patrol dinghy is moored close by. Ann is about to order the Eyes to be rewound when she notices something else, something unexpected. She asks the Captain to take a look.)
T.O. Ann: About 50 metres out from the dock, Captain. Do you see the row of black floats? They seem to be around 15 metres apart. What do you make of them?
Capt. Happy Dayz: Yes, I see them. They could be net floats I suppose but there isn’t much movement there. Some kind of sensor is my best guess.
T.O. Ann: Yeah, that’s what I think. If it were a motion sensor it would have to be very short range or it would be picking up river traffic continuously. Maybe magnetic? Heat? Could be lasers, for Chrissake. Ahhh I don’t know.
Capt. Happy Dayz: Or all of the above. Whatever they are, Ann, it puts a stop to our operation unless you can figure something out. We need at least an hour inside that perimeter to lay the charges and we can’t do that with alarm bells up our asses.
(Ann begins to pace the tiny walking space in the command centre. She glowers and rubs at her face – then stops. Ann goes once more to the Eyes consul and begins to search the river surface through 360 degrees. She nods as if she has come to a decision.)
T.O. Ann: Rewind Eyes. Captain, please get Gabby up here. We all need to talk.
TO BE CONTINUED.
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