The Gilligan Factor - Part 8

The Bogan councillors and the Chinese Kevin Rudd have escaped from the underground mine on Coochie Mudlo. The mine has been destroyed at a great cost. Ann and Gabby are missing presumed dead while Sean Bean and Bart Rugarse are missing preferred dead. The CIA have attempted to liquidate the surviving group that is now huddled on a Coochie Mudlo beach and too frightened to move.

(Scorch and Dave join the others at the fallen log. It is dark and cold on the beach.)

Scorch: Mower said to wait for him. He’s having a scout around looking for a way off the island.

(Further along the beach Mower is creeping soundlessly toward the jetty. Apart from the gentle slap of small waves there is absolute silence. As he gets closer to the jetty a shape looms out of the darkness; it is a boat. Mower can see the bulky form of a large outboard motor at the stern and the boat rocks slightly in the minimal swell of the shallows. With a great deal of trepidation and suspecting a trap, Mower wades hesitantly around the boat and then, taking a deep shuddering breath, he clambers aboard.

Back at the log some of the councillors are becoming very anxious.)

Mayor Porker: Mower’s taking his time. What if that American comes back? Christ, it’s cold.

Scorch: I’m sure I hit the Yank. I definitely heard a yelp when I was firing.

Grimy: That was me. You scared the shit out of us waving those bloody guns around. Where did you learn to shoot the things anyway?

Dave: Gabby showed us how, but that was the first time I’d actually fired the thing. It was really cool. Oh, Scorch; will Gabby be okay do you think?

Axeman: With all those explosions and the flooding we saw? Not a chance.

Mayor Porker: Jesus, Axeman, I thought Sean was a total prick but that was a lousy thing to say. Look at what you’ve done to these children. Come on sweethearts, Gabby will get through; she’s smarter than any of us so if anyone can survive that mess, it will be Gabby.

Axeman: Christ! Sweethearts? The bleeding little bints have only just finished firing a thousand rounds at another human being!

Scorch: Another human being who was trying to kill us and we’ve still got a few rounds left, arsehole. You might want to keep that in mind.

Grimy: Shhhh! Someone’s coming….. it’s Mower. Thank goodness for that.

Mower: We’ve got a boat.

Mayor Porker: Brilliant!….. Why the glum face?

Mower: The boat is courtesy of the CIA.

Axeman: I don’t understand.

Mower: There was a note left with it. I’ll read it to you.

(Mower unfolds a single sheet of paper and holds a key ring flash light over it. He reads aloud.)

Mower: Hello Dicky,
Sorry about the theatricals but it was necessary for each of you to smell a little of your own death here. I knew you would try some crazy stunt, Dicky, but I thought you would just try to rush every one through the door and then I could fire high and disappear while you scrabbled in the dirt. How the hell did you figure out where I was? And those kids you’ve got with you are really something aren’t they? Anyway, the point is I think you all understand a little more about fear and a little more about the CIA. Remember, if you can’t keep your mouths shut we WILL be right behind you. It may also interest you to know that the Chinese only got a handful of people away from the island. They left in a high-speed boat and we believe they are transferring to a sub somewhere off Morton Island. For obvious reasons we can’t interfere with that. The important thing is we’re sure they believe the mine collapse was a natural disaster. You guys almost fucked that up with the grenades but the CIA team had the place packed with C4 so no harm done and no evidence. By the way, don’t worry about your Gabby and Ann. They are with us and they are going to be fine and very useful. It’s just another reason for you to all keep quiet – if you want to see your friends again that is. So, guys, enjoy your boat ride. Safe journey. There are meat pies and peas in the hotbox and beer and lamingtons in the icebox, hope that’s okay.

I need to see you next week, Dicky.

Regards, Jim.

Mayor Porker: Jesus.

Mower: Let’s go home.

(Ann slowly opens her eyes. She hurts all over and wonders if she is dead. She turns her face carefully to the right. Gabby is in a bed beside her and she looks bruised and battered but is breathing evenly. Ann remembers waking earlier and the room had been in darkness. There was a sea breeze blowing over her and she could hear gunfire. She was sure she had heard Mower’s voice in the distance shouting at someone to “cease fire”. There was a lot of clattering and clanging as though someone was climbing a steel ladder and then a soft American voice had said,

“Don’t worry Ms. Appuladay, you’re with the CIA and quite safe. My name’s Jim and I’m gonna take real good care of you. Just you rest now.”

The American had smoothed her brow gently. His hand was very wet.)


TWO HOURS LATER.

Agent 2: You awake Ann?

Ann: Yes. What do you want?

Agent 2: Just seeing how you are, is all.

Ann: No. What do you want?

(Agent 2 tries to get himself more comfortably positioned. Ann is astonished to notice that the American moves around by crawling. The roof is very, very low.)

Agent 2: It’s like this Ann. The CIA has had you under surveillance for some time. We first became interested in Ann Appuladay when some Australian crackpot tried to sell US TV a show about a local revolution in Jimbeerbom or some place.

Ann: Yuteman – and the place was Jimboomba.

Agent 2: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, we were very impressed with the way you handled yourself in that show. You’re a natural tactician and you think fast on your feet. We reckon we could use you if you’ll agree. You will end up very rich, I can assure you of that.

Ann: Oh, come on. Do you take me for a complete idiot? You would have a million “natural tacticians” in the USA.

Agent 2: That’s true but very few with your attributes and none of those with your level of tactical skill.

Ann: What attributes are you talking about?

Agent 2: 40 inches. Your height.


ONE WEEK LATER.

(True to his word, Agent 2 had asked to meet Mower. The ASIO man was now standing in the middle of Beaudesert Park waiting for the American and wondering “Why here? Why Beaudesert.” Mower is grimly hanging on to the lead of his bull terrier named Alice. The CIA presented Alice to Mower in gratitude after a successful joint operation during which Mower had confessed to Agent 2 that being in ASIO was a dog’s life. As usual, the mutt is playing up.)

Agent 2: Hi Dicky. Good to see you again. You look well and so does Alice. She still giving you trouble?

Mower: What do you expect? She was a gift from the CIA – probably wired to record everything I say. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kick seven different kinds of shit out of you?

Agent 2: Because last time you tried it I broke your nose.

Mower: Okay, that’s good enough. What do you want?

Agent 2: You’re right. I want something from you but I reckon if I’m to succeed in that I’m gonna have to give you a real good reason for last weekend. Am I right?

Mower: Bullseye.

Agent 2: Fair enough. Let’s walk as we talk, Dicky. No sense in making it easy for your guys to pick up the audio.

Mower: Whatever. You were saying about last weekend?

Agent 2: That was something wasn’t it? You’ve probably guessed that it was the CIA behind all that TV show crap about The Gilligan Factor. Apart from dealing with the mine on Coochie we had to check out a potential asset in a stress and team situation and the TV show thing was how we decided to do it. I thought it was stupid myself but it’s not up to me, we got top people paid to be stupid.

Mower: What potential asset?

Agent 2: Ann Appuladay. She is a very talented little lady and she made some pretty good moves last weekend. With a bit of coaching she’ll be perfect.

Mower: Apart from the obvious questions like ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ and ‘Huh?', why does the CIA need Ann Appuladay?

Agent 2: You ever hear of the Tai Chan Pei Delta, Dicky, or the Tai River?

Mower: No and no.

Agent 2: It’s where the Chinese have been testing their chemical weapons. There are some seriously fucked up people in the Tai Chan Pei Delta. One minute they could care less, then they try to kill each and a day later they flat out deny anything happened at all. The main processing and experimental labs are near the banks of the Tai River. There’s very little chance of getting close to the place without being discovered and an attack on a Chinese facility on Chinese soil would be an act of war which would give the Chinese all the excuse they need to begin immediate gas attacks on the USA. There are so many weird people in the USA we could never be sure the attacks were taking place until we were all too fucked up to respond. There is only one way we might covertly destroy the gas facilities on the Tai River and it’s been decided to take the risk. We’re going to send a team up the Tai River and Ann Appuladay will be the Tactical Officer.

Mower: So I’ll ask again, why Ann?

Agent 2: Because we have developed a submersible capable of operating undetected in enemy waters. This sub can’t be detected because it can blend with the bottom of any body of water. We call them Ray Fish and they measure only 1.2 metres from top to bottom. The only problem we have with the Ray Fish is crewing them. A submariner of average size can’t operate effectively in the extreme height restrictions for more than a few hours. For this operation they need to be on top of their game for at least five days. The US Navy has been recruiting and training hundreds of dwarves from all over the free world and so far we have been successful in training for technical duties. The problem has been leadership and tactical skill in isolated operational conditions. When they’re on their own our crews can operate the subs but aint worth shit when it comes to thinking through the unexpected. That needs natural talent and it’s hard to find. Ann has it.

M0wer: What about Gabby?

Agent 2: Wow! She was a bonus. A natural killer and smarts off the scale. We reckon Gabby will be very useful if we need someone to lead a land incursion during the Tai River operation.

(Mower knows that Agent 2 isn’t telling him everything but ASIO also have their methods. With information from Kevin Fuk Ho and by interrogating the managers of every Chinese Takeaway in Brisbane, ASIO have established that both China and the USA have plans for Australia if things go horribly wrong.

With the destruction of the Australian source of mild, controllable gases the only Chaotigen available has been synthesized from more volatile sources. This means that any release of the gas in the USA and Europe will result in the virtual destruction of rational government throughout most of the world. However the effectiveness of the gas is reduced by seawater and distance, which in effect leaves Australia mostly clear of the worst effects. China has therefore planned to move its government and one billion of its most essential citizens into Australia. This would of course lead to a small war with Australia, which the Chinese estimate will last about 1 ½ hours. The Chinese would then be free to release Chaotigen in the USA, Europe and Asia.

The Americans are unaware of this contingency plan and, in fact, have a similar idea themselves - but without the war, preferring to offer a fair price instead.)

Mower: Okay, you’ve got my cooperation. What do you want?

Agent 2: We have another leetle operation in the pipeline and we’d like you to keep an eye on our asset. It’s only a small matter but it will be good for Australia so we don’t see a conflict for you here.

Mower: Who’s the asset and what’s the operation?

Agent 2: The asset is an Australian called Andy McDuck. He’s just been elected to state parliament in Queensland and he’s agreed to help the CIA with establishing a new gambling city in one of your least favoured areas of Queensland. We’re thinking of calling it ‘Aus Vegas’. We need somewhere in Australasia to launder CIA funds that are being redirected into a few black ops we have running in the region and Andy likes what we’re offering him to help us do that. The problem is he’s not exactly the brightest guy you could wish for so we need a local baby sitter. What do you say?

(A smile briefly twists Mower’s mouth. He guesses this is the CIA’s way to start a centre for the possible New America if the Chinese adventure goes wrong. Mower is tempted to ask if the CIA intends to build a White House Casino and a Senate Casino and a Congress Casino but he keeps that to himself. Mower knows this would be the best way to start a New America exactly like the old version. There would be room for The Mob with the gambling and vice, together with a Government based on good old American values of greed, corruption and really crass TV Studio audiences. Nice. Still, the Chinese option would be worse – just.)

Mower: Agreed.

(The two men have stopped walking and are next to a large, black, shiny van. It is obviously a CIA vehicle because no Australian could afford the extras on it. Agent 2 gently pushes Mower against the side of the van and the ASIO man feels a slight bump that seems to impact his entire body all at once.)

Agent 2: Sorry about that, Dicky. Just a little burst of EMP to wipe the flash drive you’ve been recording our conversation on. Uh…you might need to get a new watch and phone – send me the bill. And by the way, your guys with the directional microphone will only have white noise to listen to. See you around.

(Agent 2 climbs into the van, which moves away soundlessly. Mower strokes Alice and doesn’t look forward to retrieving the ASIO recorder from her arse where it nestles next to the CIA transmitter. Still, it was the bandages and band-aids that had enabled Mower to identify the CIA mole in the Brisbane ASIO office a couple of months before - so it wasn’t all bad.)

TO BE CONTINUED