The Gilligan Factor - Part 10

The USS Pie Dish with Ann Appuladay as its Tactical Officer is preparing to destroy a Chinese chemical warfare laboratory but they have hit a snag. The complex is far better guarded than Ann has been led to believe. She must think of a way in fast before time runs out for them and the free world. She calls a meeting of the Executive Officers including Gabby.

T.O. Ann: There seems to be some kind of defensive sensor array across the inlet to the complex. Somehow we have to get inside the perimeter without giving ourselves away. I think I know a way in but we still have to get back out without setting off the alarms or, at least, without the alarms causing an alert.

Gabby: You want my team to fix the sensors?

T.O. Ann: No, Gabby. We don’t really know what triggers the sensors so we’ve got no chance of fixing them. In fact, we’re going to deliberately set them off. Hang on, let me finish. We’ll go in using a similar technique to the one we used to get into the river. I’ve been scoping the Tai and there are dozens of vessels passing both ways at any given time. These vessels are all shapes and sizes so we pick the rattiest looking scow that looks to be passing close to the inlet. We hook on and use the stern grabs to jam the rudder over so it looks like the craft is running out of control. We smash it through the sensor array and the guards will start screaming – they might even loose off a few shots at the poor buggers in the vessel but we will be in. Once we’re in we’ll separate from the scow and lie on the bottom until they sort the mess out, throw out the intruder and reset the sensors.

Gabby: Sounds good. What do you need me for?

T.O. Ann: We have to get back out again after the charges have been laid or we go up ourselves. The problem is we need to get out without leaving anyone alive who might be able to report a suspicious security breach just before the explosion. The guards have to be taken care of quietly and in such a way that any bodies will look like victims of the explosion. This whole operation must look like an accidental explosive reaction in the laboratory. When we leave this area we will need fifteen minutes minimum to get clear and that will be fifteen minutes for the security guards to report a breach to Beijing. The guards have to be dead before we pass the sensors on our way out.

Gabby: How many guards?

T.O. Ann: Four on the dock and you would have to allow the same number in the guardroom. There’s a patrol dinghy moored beside the guardroom. Can you do it, Gabby?

(Gabby responds almost immediately and her reply is shockingly brief.)

Gabby: We’ll use tasers, just a slight burn mark maybe. Drown them while they’re stunned. Flash bomb in the guardhouse and then tasers and drowning. We’ll put four on the dock and four in the dinghy as though they were on a routine patrol and that will cover any automatic report of a breach. I’ll work on the detail and timing but that should look right. The explosion and confusion will do the rest.

Capt. Happy Dayz: Well ….. I guess we look for a beat-up ride in, huh?

THREE HOURS LATER.

(The excitement has died down and the USS Pie Dish rests on the bottom of the inlet and well within the perimeter. The guards have returned to their positions and seem quite pleased with the break in routine that allowed them to beat up a few prawn fisherman and send the fishing boat on its way riddled with bullet holes. It is dark and very cold. In the murky waters below the dock the USS Pie Dish waits for high tide. Ann, Gabby and the Captain talk in whispers.)

T.O. Ann: 30 minutes to high tide Captain?

Capt. Happy Dayz: Check.

T.O. Ann: One hour to set charges?

Capt: Happy Dayz: That should do it.

T.O. Ann: And you need 8 minutes, Gabby?

Gabby: Plus deploy and withdraw, say another 8 minutes. 16 minutes total.

T.O. Ann: Okay. As soon as the tide starts slapping at the underside of the dock we start drilling. The lasers are silent but when we go through concrete there will be some vibration and we need the cover noise. Gabby, have your team ready to go 45 minutes after we start to drill. We’ll set 15 minute timers as soon as you get back then we get out of here fast. All clear?

(Twenty minutes later the drill heads silently extend from the nose of the Pie Dish and drilling begins at a point as far from the guards as possible. Retaining walls are breached and the boreholes extended 20 metres into the foundations of the complex. Eight boreholes are completed in this way. The central bore is much larger and takes time but 45 minutes after starting, all bores are now complete and ready for charges. It would be much simpler to just place an enormous bomb against the dock and blow the whole area to pieces but the point of the exercise is to make the explosion look like an internal detonation.

Gabby and her team enter the egress chamber. Each of the team has a taser held in the right hand and waterproofed by a simple plastic bag taped shut around the wrist. They fit short-range breathers into their mouths and wait as the chamber floods. The displaced air is vented back into the Pie Dish and 2 minutes later the outer door of the chamber slides back.

Inside the USS Pie Dish Ann checks her watch and then asks for the Eyes to be deployed to 3 metres. She has a close up view of the dock and the guards who are now relaxed after their earlier excitement. The guards do not notice the small dark shapes that rise slowly from the water under the dock. Gabby’s unit is in position and ready. Ann orders the charges to be laid. Timing with the explosives is critical. Each charge is encased with a hardened cellulose compound sealed by a banite coating. All components within the devices are non-specific and largely made of cellulose. The explosive has been developed to leave only water-soluble traces. The explosion will leave no debris indicating enemy action. The only draw back is, once the cases are immersed in water Ann will have 30 minutes before they begin to disintegrate. The injector tubes at the front of the Pie Dish push the charges into the flooded boreholes and the 30-minute countdown begins. However, the USS Pie Dish will need 15 minutes to clear the blast area so they now have only 15 minutes before the sub must leave and Gabby is 4 minutes into a 16-minute operation. She has 3 minutes to spare.)

T.O. Ann: It all depends on Gabby now.

Capt. Happy Dayz: Nervous?

T.O. Ann: Only for those poor sods guarding the dock. Are the detonators set for 15 minutes?

Capt. Happy Dayz: All set. We’ll activate them when Gabby gets back. What can you see?

T.O. Ann: Dock guards are down and in the water. Gabby is at the door of the guardhouse……. Shit those flash bombs are bright, I’ll check the neighbours………no reaction from them. Gabby’s back out, only three in the guardhouse it seems……… Delta team is cleaning up and loading the patrol boat with passengers…….. Rewind Eyes, I think we’ll be leaving early.


THREE MONTHS LATER – THE LODGE, CANBERRA.

(Kevin Fuk Ho and Bart Rugarse are sitting on the floor playing mah-jongg and drinking tea with absorbent chopsticks. They enjoy their moments of privacy when they can revert to type. The Prime Ministers secretary knocks and enters. She waves away the smoke from the opium pipes and speaks.)

Secretary: The children are here, Prime Minister.

Kevin Fuk Ho: Children?

Secretary: You remember. From the Catholic orphanage? St. Norman of the Brothers in Murk? You promised to see them and present their award.

Kevin Fuk Ho: What award?

Bart Rugarse: For bravery. One of the brothers went berserk during a showing of The Sound Of Music.

Kevin Fuk Ho: Oh yes, didn’t the kids cut his testicles off?

Bart Rugarse: Which is precisely why he went berserk.

Secretary: The Catholic Church has decided to put a positive face on this and they have endorsed the award.

Bart Rugarse: Rather than admit what the brother was up to in the dark during ‘Do Re Mi’.

Kevin Fuk Ho: Give us five minutes and then let them in, would you please?

Bart Rugarse: That secretary gives me the shits. You never know when she’s going to stick her head round the door.

Kevin Fuk Ho: Anything new?

Bart Rugarse: We’ve almost completed the new gas processing plant. I think it’s obvious the last one was sabotaged but there’s no evidence. Anyway, it’s all too late. The word is the Americans are processing their own brand of Chaotigen and they have an anti-dote to ours. So it’s all status quo.

(The door opens and two small children enter. They are both dressed in the uniform of St. Norman of the Brothers in Murk orphanage.)

Kevin Fuk Ho: I said 5 minutes dammit….oh! I’m so sorry children, I thought you were my……….Don’t I know you?……… Ann?… Gabby?

FFFWAAK!
FFFWAAK!

(Ann and Gabby shove the silenced handguns back into their school ports. Gabby goes to the door and lets in the rest of her Delta squad who are also disguised as Catholic orphans. A large sheet of plastic is spread on the floor and the bodies of Fuk Ho and Rugarse are rolled onto it. The door opens again and Kevin Rudd walks in. He ignores the distressing sight of the Delta squad dismembering the bodies and walks to a large gilt framed mirror.

Agent 2 of the CIA looks at his reflection. He still feels the shock of seeing another face looking back at him but he can’t help being proud of American know-how when it comes to plastic surgery. He makes a much better Kevin Rudd than that cheap Chinese crap being rammed bit by bit into the school satchels behind him.

It is an hour before everything is clear and the Delta squad are moving out. Only Ann and Gabby remain in the room with Kevin 2.)

Kevin 2: The President, the CIA, the USA and the free world owe you a great debt guys. For a while you will have to go back to your old life to cover any tracks but gradually you can start drawing on the numbered accounts and build new lives. Whatever you want to be. 50 million can stretch a long, long way. Ann, you’ll be able to afford a better necklace than that cheap looking pendant around your neck.

Ann: That’s one of Fuk Ho’s bollocks. I don’t know what happened to the other.

Gabby: Want a suck on my lollypop?

Kevin 2: You two are fucking sick, you know that?

(Ann and Gabby leave. Kevin 2 spends the morning familiarising himself with the Prime Ministers office. He happens to be standing near the door when someone knocks. He opens the door. Dicky Mower is waiting outside.)

Kevin 2: Ah, it’s Dicky Mower. I remember you from the island. You’re with my ASIO contingent, is that correct?

FFFWAAK!

(Mower steps over the body of Kevin 2 and checks that surveillance is still off. An ASIO squad disguised as the Australian cricket team rush into the room and fold the body of Kevin 2 into a large cricket gear bag. Mower supervises the clean up and then the ASIO squad leave feigning drunken revelry. Mower is alone in the room but not for long. Kevin Rudd walks in.)

Mower: Welcome home, Prime Minister.

Kevin McDuck: Gosh, this is great! I never dreamed the CIA Aus Vegas scheme would lead to this. I’m Prime Minister of Australia! Wow! It makes all that surgery and dieting worth while. Oh, if that Bogan lot knew, it would make them green! I feel like singing a song. Do they have karaoke nights at The Lodge?

Mower: Listen, McDuck! If you think we went to all this trouble, not to mention the expense to Medicare, just so you could sing songs at The Lodge then you’d better get your head straight now. You’ve got instructions to follow and don’t forget what they are. In the meantime, we’re not expecting trouble but carry this gun with you at all times. It’s got a silencer just in case you shoot your nuts off at a public function where we don’t want to make a fuss. You are now Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia. Do your job! I’ll be watching you!

(Mower leaves. Ten minutes later Kevin Rudd is striding jauntily along the corridor leading to his office. He is bursting with pride and joy. The surgery and the diet of pizza and beer were all worth it. His new car is a dream and he treasures his gold plated ‘Secret Agent’ badge but most of all he treasures the brilliant Kan Fat automatic pistol with the gold plated silencer that nestles in his shoulder holster. He feels and looks like a new man. He thinks that Rugarse should have disposed of the old Kevin Rudd by now so he confidently throws open the door to the Prime Minister’s office and strides in.)

Kevin Bean: What the fucking fucky fucker are you fucketing doing here, you fucking fuck?

Kevin McDuck: Oh My Gosh!

(For a moment they are stunned and then there is a blur of motion as both Kevin Rudds reach for their weapons. Only one of them makes it in time.)

FFFWAAK!


THE END.