Star Chamber - File Five

Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. April – 3009

(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)

This is the fifth part of a report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.

Ron Yuteman has begun production of his musical The Sound of Prozac in which we see some interesting examples of 21st century behaviour. Among them will be noted the treatment of non-productive members of society. Instead of putting these elements back into the food chain our ancestors seemed to prefer to prolong the misery for no other purpose than commercial gain. This obsession with commercial gain may be significant.

We begin this fifth part of the report with a meeting in the Star Chamber between Mayor Porker and Councillor Sean Bean.


Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
April 3009

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Mayor Porker: This had better be good, Sean. I was going to have an early night.

Councillor Bean: You did tell us to keep alert for anything significant so I’m just doing what you said, Porky.

Mayor Porker: Okay, what is it that’s so significant it can’t wait till tomorrow?

Councillor Bean: Well, me and Gerhardt are supposed to be representatives from Social Services in this Sound of Prozac thing, right?

Mayor Porker: I don’t know, I’ll take your word for it.

Councillor Bean: We are. Anyway, Me and Gerhardt were told by Ron Yuteman to wander around getting a feel for our parts. He must think we’re playing a couple of wankers. (laughs) See? Feel for our parts? Wankers? Never mind. So we are looking around in the Catheter Creek admin area under the watchful eye of the real DON, Ethel Crabstick. She said we could look at a few files to see how the records worked and things like that so I’m picking a few at random and having a look when I see a name I recognise - Charles Brigalow.

Mayor Porker: And you know this Charles Bigalow?

Councillor Bean: Brigalow, Porky, Brigalow. I don’t really know him but after you told us about the constitution and your plan I did a bit of research on the Internet. There’s quite a bit of reference to Brigalow associated with Queensland and land tenure. I’ve even heard the stories myself. It’s a conspiracy buffs dream and every nutter in Queensland is rabbiting on about how we’ve had all our land rights pinched by the state and stuff like that.

Mayor Porker: That’s it is it? You’ve found a resident with the same name as a half-assed conspiracy theory? That’s why I’m here instead of in bed with a mug of cocoa?

Councillor Bean: No that is not it. I looked through the file and it said Charles Brigalow had been brought to Catheter Creek in 1999 and at the time he was 94 years old and had advanced Alzheimer’s disease, he had also lost an arm during World War Two. Charles Brigalow had no family recorded in the file and the date of death box was blank. At this point Ethel Crabstick looked over my shoulder to see what I was looking at. She snatched the file away from me as though it was her personal pap smear results and threw us out of the office; it was that sudden. One minute we were a couple of amusing little actors doing some role research and the next minute we were a pair of snooping arseholes. I’ve never seen anyone get so upset, so quickly.

Mayor Porker: Maybe she just didn’t like you looking at confidential files. She screwed up and she fixed it as best she could.

Councillor Bean: That’s what Gerhardt said but I checked around a bit more. I visited the Dementia Wing and there was a party going on. Some old dear called Doris was having a birthday and one of the nurses told me Doris was Catheter Creek’s oldest resident at 102 years old. I asked her about Charlie Brigalow, because, according to information I had, he would be 104 years old but the nurse just laughed and asked me where I’d got that information. She introduced me to Charlie who was wearing a Davy Crocket hat and he poured me an orange squash. The Charlie Brigalow they have is 78 years old and he’s got two good arms. He’s got Alzheimer’s all right and can’t remember his own name but otherwise he’s quite sprightly. Not only that but he only arrived at Catheter Creek six months ago. The nurse knew that because it was the day after the Dementia Wing had a complete change of staff. The entire nursing staff, including the nurse I spoke to, were replacements drafted in without notice the day before Charlie was brought in. So what do you make of that?

Mayor Porker: Perhaps they’re just lousy at record keeping and perhaps that’s why the DON was so uptight, she doesn’t want anyone to know they are a bunch of useless buggers. They sound a bit like Bogan Council actually.

Councillor Bean: Yeah, perhaps, except for two things. I talked to some of the staff in the other sections. One of them has been here for twelve years and she remembers Charlie Brigalow arriving. She said it was just before the millennium celebrations because she was working in the Dementia Wing at the time and she was the nurse told to look out for Charlie during the celebrations. This nurse told me Charlie died about two years later in 2002. She remembers it because the entire Dementia Wing staff members were moved to other sections just after Charlie died and she couldn’t go to the funeral because her new shift times didn’t coincide. I talked to others in the place and everyone knows Charlie Brigalow but as far as I can tell there have been at least three different Charlie Brigalows at Catheter Creek since 1999. All of them with Alzheimer’s and none of them had any living family. Now………..

Ron Yuteman: That’s enough! Stop now! No more, no more! Cease, desist and end it, all over! Just bloody well stop right there!

Mayor Porker: What’s going on?

Councillor Bean: Yeah, what’s going on? I was going well then.

(Yuteman gestures wildly. He waves his arms trying to show that he is referring to the words, to the names of characters, to the story line, to the blog itself, even the entire blogosphere and not forgetting the complete history of mans futile attempts to communicate.)

Ron Yuteman: This……..whole thing is shit! I can’t believe I let it get this far. I mean what are we doing? Charlie Brigalow? Stealing Queensland? Sound of fucking Prozac? What was I thinking of? It’s going to stop right now!

Mayor Porker: Steady down Ron for goodness sake. It’s not that bad surely?

Councillor Bean: Yeah, I thought I was handling it just right. I think I had the exact nuance and……

Ron Yuteman: Nuance? Bleeding nuance? Sean, your acting makes Bela Lugosi look subtle. Anyway, it’s not just the acting. The concept is crap and that’s putting it mildly.

(Another figure scurries into the Star Chamber and confronts Yuteman.)

Professor Wowser Brak: Excuse me, aren’t you in the wrong bit?

Ron Yuteman: Who the fuck are you?

Professor Wowser Brak: I am Professor Wowser Brak of the Pauline Hanson………

Ron Yuteman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, the bloke supposed to be from 3009 looking back on all this shit and trying to make sense of it all and not doing a very good job. Look - just piss off, will you? There’s a good chap.

Professor Wowser Brak: I will most certainly not piss off! You, sir, are an egotistical fool and this part of the post is mine. You should confine yourself to the little musical you have been composing and leave the more complicated machinations of time and the universe to me. Now kindly leave the Star Chamber where your betters are attempting to unravel the convoluted mysteries of history.

Ron Yuteman: Convoluted mysteries of history my arse. This whole plot is mine, I’m ashamed to say, including the bit where a dick-headed professor from the future tries to find…. Ah, Bollocks! Look, I’ll prove it! This is your convoluted mystery:

The whole thing is based on some cataclysmic disaster that is supposed to occur in 2012. You are viewing this from 1000 years in the future after you have managed to dig your way out of a stone age you were chucked into by this disaster. You find some old records that tell you the story of The Bogan Star Chamber, a mob who have been persuaded to involve themselves in a quite ridiculous plot to steal Queensland

There’s a lot of complicated shit that boils down to a bloke called The Principal Land Commissioner Attending. This character turns out to be Charlie Brigalow, an identity invented by the establishment to act as fall guy if their take-over of Queensland goes belly up.

First though, to trigger the take over, there has to be a serious threat to Queensland so I made up the following bullshit. The threat is to be contrived by using a few drops of an unbelievably powerful pesticide developed by CSIRO in the 1960’s that turned out to be monumental balls up by CSIRO. They had accidentally invented a dooms day chemical that could destroy all plant life on earth so CSIRO had hushed up the discovery and buried all the pesticide with the radioactive shit in Maralinga, South Australia. However the Australian Military thought this chemical might prove to be a useful weapon. So they dug it up and began The Green Dragon Project.

A few army bush engineers stuck fifty gallons of the dooms day pesticide into a warhead and popped the warhead onto a Blue Streak missile the Poms had left behind when the Black Knight project was cancelled in 1971. It then dawned on the Australian Military that they couldn’t actually use the weapon unless: (A) they were suicidal or (B) they were barking mad. Therefore the Green Dragon Project was abandoned and the missile was left hidden in its underground silo. All records of this silo together with the records of the nearby underground launch centre were destroyed.

The missile launch centre was accidentally uncovered during the building of the new Bogan Council Offices in 1980. Nobody knew what the room was for but the underground facility became useful for the violent interrogation of rate payment defaulters and for holding really wild council parties - so no more questions were asked.

The silly Queensland stealing plot was actually engineered by Gerhardt Fondleschaft who turns out to be a former East German Stasi agent who is barking mad and determined to destroy the world. The Stasi knew all about Australia’s Dooms Day Missile and Gerhardt knows the missile is in a silo hidden under the Bogan police station. What he does not know are the launch codes. By involving the Bogan Council in the crazy plot to steal Queensland Gerhardt drags ASIO into the picture via their agent in council, Dicky Mower. Eventually, through ASIO, Gerhardt discovers the launch codes and prepares to fire the missile.

Mayor Porker and Sean Bean find out the truth just in time and there is a tremendous fight in the Star Chamber and Fondleschaft is killed just before he presses the launch button. Sean Bean, a fuck-wit to the last, starts to big note his role in saving the world and he sits down on the launch button. The world as we know it is destroyed.

There! That’s your convoluted history. Anything else you want to know?

(While Ron has been talking the rest of the Council has drifted in and have been listening to the story intently.)

Professor Wowser Brak: Do you seriously expect me to believe this ridiculous tale could have the catastrophic effect necessary to destroy civilisation?

Ron Yuteman: No,no,no! You haven’t been listening. I made it all up including you. There is no catastrophe. There is no 3009. There is no Professor Wowser Brak. It’s all an imaginary brouhaha created by me!

Professor Wowser Brak: You silly little egotistical man!

Ron Yuteman: Who are you calling egotistical, shit-face! I’ll put a full stop at the end of your existence that you won’t believe!

Mrs.Yuteman: WHAT’S ALL THAT BLINKIN’ SHOUTING? I’M TRYING TO WATCH CORONATION STREET OUT HERE!

Ron Yuteman: Oh shit. Now we’ve done it.

Professor Wowser Brak: Don’t try to intimidate me you imbecile! I am………

(Mrs.Yuteman storms into the Star Chamber. She is very, very, very cross.)

Mrs. Yuteman: I SAID - WHO’S MAKING ALL THE NOISE? I CAN HARDLY HEAR MY PROGRAMMES.

Professor Wowser Brak: Madam, where I come from a woman knows her place so I suggest you get back to your place while your dolt of a husband and I continue our rudely interrupted discussion!

Ron Yuteman (quietly): Oh, you poor sod.

WHAPPP!

(Some people may wonder about the significance of the word WHAPPP! What can it mean? It isn’t really a word at all and it certainly isn’t a sound. It is intended to convey an action and an action so violent, so silent and so devastating that it can only be imagined. Therefore imagine the strike of a death adder or the slash of a razor or the instantaneous transition from consciousness to coma. Brak didn’t see it coming and he didn’t feel it happening, he simply ceased to be the man he once was and immediately became someone entirely at odds with himself.
WHAPPP!
Mrs. Yuteman looks down at Brak and then moves across the room like a death in the family. She pauses to hiss something at Ron that drains the blood from his face. Mrs.Yuteman then leaves the Star Chamber and it seems to became brighter with her absence)

Ron Yuteman: I have to go now. This thing is over. I’m leaving you all here in this room and I’m going to seal it. At least, I’m going to write that I’m sealing the room and that comes to the same thing.

(Ron leaves the room and seals it.)

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End Note by Professor Wowser Brak

And so my history was formed. Some of you live in the time of 2009 and can read the words written in 3009. There is nothing strange about that. The computer works in many ways at the quantum level and instantaneous transfer of information across time is normal.

However, nothing I do in 3009 can change what has happened since 2009 because I must already have done it of course. Therefore the future’s influence on the past is forbidden. What is permissible is for the past to fundamentally alter all futures. But not instantaneously - it takes time.

So when Mrs. Yuteman WHAPPPED me it had no immediately discernable effect because Mrs Yuteman and I are just words on a screen. We are words that represent real people but still only words. Rather like shadows represent solid objects and when one shadow strikes another not too much happens. Except – Mother Nature is nothing if not patient and eventually Mrs Yuteman’s WHAPPP got through to me. It took 1000 years.

When it did hit me the result was not immediate. Mrs Yuteman had struck at my shadow and time dealt the blow to the shadow caster. In 3009 I flinched and my 2009 shadow flexed to that reaction – the forbidden influence of future to past had taken place. This new past shadow influenced the future shadow caster in accordance with natural law but then the shadow caster reached back to the shadow once more. It was a tiny effect that defied all laws of physics. It was tiny but it grew, or by your 2009 measure – it grows. And so it continues, the pulse of action and reaction of shadow and caster becomes a resonance that turns to a catastrophic wave of misplaced time that will change your world to mine.

In a few months cyclones will be turning seas into mountains of heaved water. Shrieking winds will scour the earth, blasting rock and soil into the atmosphere until the sun is buried and then the ice will come. For decades this world will lie in a frozen pod and almost all living things will perish. Eventually the dust will fall from the atmosphere and darken the crust of ice. When the sun glows through the clearing air, its warmth will melt the frozen mountains of water and they will sink back into muddy seas and, as the long winter night ends, life will gradually return to archipelagos of land pushed above the swamps.

My research has revealed other examples of Ron Yuteman’s work. In one essay he has this to say about Mrs.Yuteman.

“Those who choose to provoke Mrs.Yuteman do so at their peril for they shall surely meet a dreadful fate more terrible by far than any death imagined.”

It might be thought that the writer was being ironic or being sarcastic - he was not.

I often visit the Star Chamber, now rebuilt in the History Hall of our university. I look at the skeletal remains of the Council who had all been written as creatures of flesh and were therefore expected to naturally decompose. Then I look at the mummified remains of myself. A character written as a shade of ‘life to come’ and devoid of solid form can only fade and wither on the page. This page has ended.

Professor Wowser Brak. Boganville,
April 3009

FILE COMPLETION.
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