The Gilligan Factor - Part 5.

EDITOR’S NOTE.

Due to the astounding nature of the following information, the publishers of The Gilligan Factor have decided to take the unprecedented step of handing over this blog to another author. It is with tremendous pride we introduce to you……….

MR. KEVIN RUDD. THE PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET’S ALL GIVE A DINKUM AUSSIE WELCOME TO THE MAN HIMSELF, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…..BIG KEV!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kevin Rudd: Thank you, thank you, you’re too kind, thank you….Wow! Thank you so much. I’d just like to…thank you, thank you….If you will just allow me to……thank you. Oh, Gosh. Thank you so much…. I am sincerely pleased to…thank you, thank you….

Joe CitOZen: On ya Kevvy! Good on ya mate! We’re right be’ind ya Kevvy!

Kevin Rudd: You’re much too kind….thank you. NOW PLEASE IF I MIGHT GET A WORD IN, thank you. I’ve asked you all here today for a very special reason.

Joe CitOZen: Yeah, the free piss! Good on ya Kevvy! Up the Rabbitoes! With a barb wired carrot! NYAAHAHAHAHA! You’re the best, Kevvy mate! Simply The Best! Better Than All The Rest! Well done Kevvy! keVIN-keVIN-keVIN-keVIN! What?….What d’ya mean Shush, ya miserable bastard? I’m cheerin me mate Kevvy on! The best fuckin’ Pri’Minster this fuckin’ country ever fuckin’ ‘ad! We’re with ya Kevvy boy! Now come on folks – give Kevvy a chance! Fair suck of the sav, let the man speak! Go on Kevvy mate, the yours floor! Good on ya!

Kevin Rudd: I came to Australia in 1965 from the Pon Dang province of Communist China; I was ten years old. My real name is Chiang Fuk Ho and I am a Chinaman. I am here to ask your forgiveness and to assure you that…….

Joe CitOZen: Gaarrn! Fuck awf back where ya came from, ya commie cunt!

Kevin Rudd: Is Arnel Shizeknicker here? Ah, Arnel - could you help that gentleman please? I think he needs another beer.

Joe CitOZen: Good on ya Kevvy or whatever yer fuckin’ name is ya commie cunt! Strewth mate! What ‘orrer filum did you slide out of. You’re the biggest, ugliest lookin’ sheila I ever seen in my fuckin’……. OOOFFFF!

Kevin Rudd: Thank you Arnel. If I may continue. I can assure you all that whatever my past may have been, my future is with you, the people of this wonderful nation of Australia.
Yes, I did come to Australia as a communist agent.
Yes, I did work for years to infiltrate the Australian Labor Party.
Yes, I did contrive to steer Australian policy toward an ultra Pro-Chinese position. But, let’s face it; I’m just an ordinary bloke really. People make mistakes and I’m no different from anyone else. You show me a person that’s never made a mistake and I’ll show you my wife who is not a communist agent and would never contemplate such a thing. To all those who make totally spurious, even personally objectionable comments on my wife’s political credibility, I say this.
My wife has dedicated her life to the advancement of Australia Fair. No other person in this vast and beautiful country with all its vast and beautiful people could ever hope to match the dedication to the Australian Dream that is dedicated by Mrs. Kevin Rudd. Mrs Kevin Rudd has my total support and together we will continue to serve this country and its people that have blessed us with their support. Mrs. Kevin Rudd and Kevin Rudd will not let you down. Kevin Rudd will continue to fight for the right of every Australian to choose the choice they choose. I will not be swayed. Kevin Rudd - The Prime Minister of Australia, will not be swayed or intimidated. No matter what! You can count on that! Thank you!

Vast Crowd of Joe CitOZens: HOORAY!! YES!! GOOD ON YA KEV! HOORAAAAAAAY!

ABC TV Reporter: I’m Ralph Barker – ABC News. How does this affect our current health policy, Prime Minister?

Channel 7 Reporter: I’m “Gorgeous” Gloria Nicearse – A Current Affront – Channel 7. What aftershave are you wearing today Mr. Rudd (inane giggle).

Mayor Porker: EVERYBODY! SHUT THE FUCK UP!…….. KEVIN RUDD!!…..YES YOU!! What the fuck do you think you are doing? You tell these people you’re a Communist Chinese agent then you scrub it down with political piss-wash? Kevin, you wanted to be honest.

Kevin Rudd: I’m sorry Mayor Porker. That wasn’t Chinese subterfuge….it was my Canberra training. I couldn’t seem to help myself. You’re right of course. I’ll start again.

(So there can be no further doubt, Chiang Fuk Ho removes his tam-o-shanter including the wig. His head gleams in the camera lights and the world goes still.)

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KEVIN FUK HO EXPLAINS.

I stand here ashamed. I desperately need, but don’t deserve, your forgiveness. Until recently I have actively assisted the communist government of The Peoples Republic of China in their attempts to obtain favourable trade agreements, mineral rights, and political influence in Australia. They also asked me to be party to the theft of certain gaseous materials from Australian territory. The purpose of these materials, I have recently discovered, will enable Communist China to synthesize a compound gas that will irrevocably change the balance of world power in China’s favour. In order for you to understand the enormity of what they propose I must first give you a little history lesson.

In 1896 a little known English chemist named Cobbert Twill was collecting firedamp gas from a disused coalmine in Blackhampton, Sutton Coalfield. When he got his samples back to his crudely equipped laboratory he found he had collected a gas with properties not previously recorded.

He experimented with this gas for ten years. The tests should have only taken a few days but Twill seemed to be afflicted with a debilitating lassitude that made it almost impossible to finish making a cup of tea let alone complete an experiment. It was only when he eventually accepted his doctors advise and took a weeks holiday in Weston-Super-Mare that he recovered from the strange affliction enough to realise what was happening. The gas was somehow making him incredibly bored.

He returned to his laboratory and carefully collated his results and sent them, with a sample of the gas he named Borene, to The Royal Society. Unfortunately the individual charged with examining his findings took one sniff of the sample gas and found he couldn’t care less about the whole thing. Cobbert Twill’s report and vial of gas remained forgotten at the Royal Society for 97 years.

The Russians are next in our story of strange gas properties. In 2001, whilst checking the foundations of the building that had housed the Politburo, engineers detected an active heavier than air gas that defied standard analysis. It seemed to be absorbed by a heavy shale material that was part of the foundations. Further tests showed this gas to have unexpected effects on human beings exposed to it.

Quite rational subjects became petty, intolerant, cruel and abusive. They would also go to almost any lengths to further their own interests at the expense of anyone or anything else. The Russians dismissed the gas as a curio, it became known internationally as Nastylene and there the matter rested.

And then in 2002 the British were being very security conscious and were checking the underground rail system beneath London. They found what seemed to be an unknown gas leaking from the walls of the tunnel closest to The Houses of Parliament. The gas was sampled and found to be a naturally occurring mixture but this gas too seemed to have strange properties.

It induced pathological lying and subterfuge. In fact it became extremely difficult to investigate because all the scientists involved denied having anything to do with the gas and the mining engineers who were asked to trace its source claimed it originated on Jupiter, or it might have been from Orion, or perhaps from a small provincial theatre near Hove. All together the results were interesting but no practical purpose could be imagined so the gas was recorded, named Falsene and ignored.

It took the Chinese to see what everyone else had missed. A Chinese student of chemistry at Bristol University came upon the old Royal Society records of Cobbert Twill’s original discovery of Borene. He investigated and found the gas had been found in a shaft almost directly beneath the Blackhampton Town Hall. Blackhampton Town Council was, and still is, an extremely boring little institution. In the late 1800’s the same councillors were elected year after year because nobody else could be bothered to stand against them. The Council’s most interesting discussions were on The May Day Parade that never took place and The Harvest Festival Service to which no one came. Every time there was a vote the councillors abstained out of sheer apathy so the Chairman made all the decisions - if he felt like it , which was seldom.

The student became very interested. He had already studied the Russian discovery of Nastylene beneath the Politburo building and also the British investigation into Falsene found beneath Parliament. It was impossible without further research to determine if the action of the gas caused the behaviour in the chambers above or wether the behaviour somehow began a reaction that created the gas below. He made up an information report recommending further investigation and nervously presented it to his Chinese controller. One month later the student was recalled to Beijing and executed.

Then the real research and experimentation began in strictest secrecy. By 2005 China had synthesized a combination of the three gasses. It was heavier than air so it was recombined with hydrogen molecules to stabilise it. The recombined gas was called Chaotigen. It was tested in 2005 by releasing it throughout Wall Street, New York and the result was staggering.

Within three years America was on its knees. The combination of greed, lies and complete lack of interest in anything but profit combined with a criminal disregard of any affect their actions might have, sucked whirlwinds of cause and effect into the New York financial bastions and the walls crumbled. When the error of their ways was pointed out to them, the financial institutions executives responded with excuse after excuse, lie after lie until they eventually admitted they couldn’t give a shit anyway and they went on stuffing money into their pockets, into their mouths and up their noses. Some even sat on the money and sucked it up their arses, anything to get more and more and more and……..

China realised that the effects of the gas were more potent than expected and it would have to be moderated in order to use this undetectable destabilising tool without harming Chinese interests. They tested weakened combinations in other financial centres throughout the world but it was still too strong. More moderate sources of the gas must be found. They turned to moderate, laid-back Australia.

They approached me during my first visit to China and told me what I had to do. I cleared hundreds of Chinese visitors who were all geophysicists trained to identify Borene, Nastylene and Falsene. Within one month they had found their sources. Borene was found in abundance under The Scenic Rim Council offices at Beaudesert. Brisbane State Parliament building covered huge quantities of Falsene and an unbelievably rich store of Nastylene was found under The Bogan Chitty Council building.

The next problem was recovering the gasses. The collection point had to have sea access and be close enough to the sources of gas to be able to laser-bore 100mm pipelines over a distance of no more than 100 kilometres. Coochiemudlo Island was the best option and the Chinese, with my help, set about acquiring it. A few doses from the Chinese Borene stocks caused tremendous apathy to set in on the island and residents sold up without a fight. Some of them were bored to death before they could move out and others wandered off without collecting the proceeds of the sale. It was a very smooth operation that I covered up by talk about buried munitions from World War 2.

I then had to arrange for ten thousand Chinese workers to be able to move into Morton Bay and begin operations on the island. I did this under the cultural exchange programme and I initiated a massive display of Chinese dancing and drum bashing. The fact that only 100 performers appeared on stage didn’t seem to worry anyone and nobody asked what happened to the other 9900.

We used Australian dredgers to cut deep channels up to Coochiemudlo and the Chinese labourers built the artificial sand bars. From then on it was a massive digging operation. So much rock and sand was shifted we created three new islands in Morton Bay. You are probably thinking that someone might just have noticed some of this going on but regular drifts of Borene across the bay ensured that whoever saw what was happening didn’t give a fuck and moved on.

Container ships carrying equipment and more labourers have been coming and going for months under cover of Borene. Laser drilling heads have driven remotely through many kilometres of rock and now Coochiemudlo has been finally linked to the three sources of gas. The Chinese are ready to pump Australian Borene, Nastylene and Falsene into the giant gas container ship that will arrive in two days time. When this ship gets back to China nothing can save the world from total Chinese domination.

So there you have it. Somehow we have to stop this happening and try to get off this island alive but I can see no way that anyone can get on or off Coochiemudlo much less fight thousands of Chinese to destroy this mine. That’s why I need your help.

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Gorgeous Gloria Nicearse: Channel 7 – A Current Affront. Mr.Fuk Hue, our viewers need to know, does the pressure of all this impact on your sex life? How is Mrs.Fuk Hue bearing up and how are you bearing down? (giggle)

Ralph Barker: ABC News. Prime Minister, if no one can get on or off the island then how did you get us here?

Kevin Fuk Ho: Well, I….um….

Mayor Porker: I can answer that Ralph. You have been created and used as a kind of literary tool. You see, it would have been very ugly and unwieldy to continue Kev’s long explanation as a scripted monologue. The explanation would have to be broken up with interjections and bracketed explanatory notes etc. The whole thing would look either clumsy or too bitty. But by presenting Kev’s story as a sort of written press release the blog writer no longer has to worry about conversational idiosyncrasies, interactions and clarifying notes. It is now simply a long explanation in normal written form with the added advantage of reinforcing this blog’s occasional tendency to drift into the surreal in its rather contrived attempts to avoid the mundane. So, basically you are now redundant and can all fuck off while we get down to the exciting bit where we fight our way off the island.
Okay! All TV and Press – out, out, out! Piss off now please! Vast crowd of Joe CitOZens can bugger off too.
Thank you for coming.
As you pass through the door you will cease to exist.
Nothing to worry about.
Just a bit of infinity.
Yes, you too Gorgeous Gloria, and be careful you don’t get your arse stuck in the doorway on your way out sweetie…….Yeah, fuck you too.

Ann Appuladay: Mayor Porker, I need to talk to you….privately.

Mayor porker: What is it Ann?

Ann Appuladay: Not here. Let’s get out of this room. Mayor Porker, I think we’re being set up.

TO BE CONTINUED.