Star Chamber - File Two

Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. March – 3009

(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)

This is the second part of a report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.

We have been introduced to The Bogan Chitty Council, an administrative group we believe to be responsible for The Failing. This council seemed to be in difficulties and suffering from low prestige within the general community. There were also obvious personality clashes within the council itself. The Mayor (council Imam), Primula Porker, has proposed the theft of “Queensland”.

(Special Note: As near as can be judged “Queensland” refers to a huge dry landmass that once may have formed part of Brisbalia. We have long been aware that there was a significant rise in sea level during the early to mid 21st century but it may be a far greater rise than we had thought*. The new evidence suggests that the Brisbalian group of islands (traditionally referred to as ‘The Continent’) may have actually been an enormous continent with a landmass almost equal to the entire landmass of the modern known world.

*This information is speculative and “The Great Erosion Theory” is still considered the more obvious cause of reduced landmass although the theological argument favours “God’s Punishment of the Masturbators” as the more likely cause. However, the Council of Clerical Scientists recently determined there was no conflict between these two theories given the common factors of vibration and friction. Indeed, it has been suggested that the world’s urgent need for concerted political action to avert natural disaster on the one hand may be inextricably linked to masturbation on the other.)

The inaugural Star Chamber meeting continues.

Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009


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Bogan Star Chamber Meeting – File Two.
March 2009.

Mayor Porker: Ladies and Gentlemen of The Bogan Star Chamber, with the help of little known but quite proper legislation, our little group is going to steal Queensland. All we need to make the heist possible is a dire emergency - so we need to create one. Suggestions?

(For a few moments there is a stunned silence.)

Councillor Axeman: Bloody hell, Porky, we need a bit more build up than that! Steal Queensland? Dire emergency? What the devil is going on here?

Councillor Bean: Yeah! What he said!

Councillor Hobo: I think you better spell it out for us Mayor Porker.

Mayor Porker: Okay. Is it agreed that we would all like to make a serious amount of money?

(Everyone nods and they lean forward expectantly.)

Mayor Porker: And is it also agreed that we don’t much care how we get the money as long as there are no legal ramifications to bite us in the arse?

(More nods and “Goes without saying.” sort of muttered comments.)

Mayor Porker: Even if some people get hurt – maybe die?

Councillor Bean: You’re not talking about us are you?

Mayor Porker: No, no. We will be perfectly safe.

Councillor Quark: I don’t think I would like anyone to die.

Mayor Porker: Winnie, your take would be in excess of one billion dollars US.

Councillor Bean: Come on, Winnie, I mean there’s dead and dead you know. We have to look at the broad picture here. (He looks at Mayor Porker.) One fucking billion? Each?

Mayor Porker: Minimum.

Councillor Mower: Well, I think it’s a brilliant idea Porky, well done.

Mayor Porker: You don’t think it’s a bit far-fetched?

Councillor Mower: Not at all.

Mayor Porker: And what do you think about your part in this? Do you think you can carry it off?

Councillor Mower: My part? Yes, well it could be a bit….. tricky but. What is my part again?

Mayor Porker (sneering): Looking around at you all I think I have the picture. You are all very keen so I’ll elaborate.

(She holds up a thick wad of documents.)

Mayor Porker: This is the Queensland Constitution and at this point I’m going to hand you over to our resident expert on all matters legal. Arnel?

Councillor Shizeknicker: I haf made a very big study of dis thing and I can tell you it is very vexatious. Many peoples think dis Constitootion is a good thing but it is a vexatious con job. On da title page you will see da words “Constitootion of Queensland 2001. Act No. 80 of 2001”. Dis is da copy dat was shown to everybody but it was not da Act voted on. In fact da Act voted on was Act No. 80(b) of 2001. Both Acts look exactly da same except for one long sentence in 80(b). It appears in Chapter 6 - Lands, section 69, sub-section (3) and, without using da crappy Austrian accent, it goes like dis:

“Lands in General are covered by Addendum 998 and in the event of a Serious State Emergency (as defined in Addendum 998) then all matters relating to General Land Rights and Tenure will be subject to the sole authority of the Principal Land Commissioner Attending (as defined in Addendum 998).”

Dis is as much as I could find out. Who da Principal Land Commissioner Attending is, I don’t know dis. And what Addendum 998 is, I don’t also know dat. One thing I do know is – dis is all pretty vexatious.

Councillor Lizzie Borden: Jesus, Arnel! Must you keep using that bloody word? Shouldn’t you be banging on about torts and shit like that? Is “vexatious” the only bloody legal term you know or is it all you managed to remember from conveyancing school?

Councillor Shizeknicker: Who asked you arse-face? When I need da advise of a Rotarian soup kitchen cook with a brain da size of a peanut I will tap on your kennel. In da meantime, shut your trap when I’m in da room – okay?

Councillor Lizzie Borden: You bitch!

(Lizzie launches herself across the table. She slams into Shizeknicker and they both crash to the floor – kicking, biting and scratching. There is obviously a bit of bad blood between them. Mayor Porker dashes in to break them up but is pulled, head first, into the fracas. All three of them roll around the room in a screaming tangle, furniture and glassware begins to seriously break. The other councillors look on with great interest.)

Councillor Hobo: I’ve got $50 on Shizeknicker.

Councillor Axeman: I think Lizzie might have a surprise for you Grimy. I’ll match your money. Lizzie to win by a knockout.

(Mayor Porker briefly puts her battered face above the table edge and demands $50 on Winnie Quark before being dragged back into the fight.)

Councillor Skypilot: The mayor is right Winnie. You really should stop them.

Councillor Quark: Oh, I truly don’t like to get involved in nastiness. Please don’t ask me.

Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: If some one duss not be shtoppen them, the computers might be doner unt blitzened in za fight and our money making scheme will go down into za gurgler.

Councillor Quark: Oh all right, if you think it will be best.

(Other sources have shown that Councillor Quark is an experienced Roller Derby player. Without her skates she is not as elegant as she could be but her methods are quick and brutal. She kicks Shizeknicker’s legs from under the huge Austrian then elbows Lizzie in the face. Winnie shoulder charges Mayor Porker and sends her slithering across the boardroom table. In moments the three lie stunned on the floor. Winnie mutters her apologies and resumes her seat.

The video record for some time does not contain relevant material. It is mostly cleaning up after the fight. We resume playback approximately one hour later. Mayor Porker, Councillor Lizzie Borden and Councillor Arnel Shizeknicker are sitting on the floor and slumped against the walls of a corridor just outside the boardroom. They are in a delicate state of truce and are dabbing at their cuts and swellings with cold, wet cloths.)

Councillor Shizeknicker: Well Lizzie, you fight pretty good for such a little person. Where you learn to do dat?

Councillor Lizzie Borden: I once worked in the bar at the Bronco’s League Club. You soon learn to look after yourself. Some of those guys were even bigger than you Arnel. Talking about guys and not meaning to be rude but is it true that you’re really a bloke?

Councillor Shizeknicker: What makes you ask dat?

Councillor Lizzie Borden: Oh, there are rumours. People say you’re an Israeli welder or something. They say you disguised yourself as a female Austrian power lifter to get into the country. I’m sure it’s all rubbish but you do have a deep voice and you’re very heavily muscled even for a power lifter and you do seem extraordinarily mannish.

Mayor Porker: Also you seem to have ripped your panties and your cock’s hanging out.

END OF FILE TWO