Star Chamber - File Three

Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. March – 3009

(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)

This is the third part of a report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.

Further background information on Bogan Chitty Council has come to light. Our archaeologists recently discovered a discarded computer hard drive among debris in the ‘vault’ and it contained fragmented recordings of an historical document called ‘The Comedy of Errors’. Although this does not directly impact our research into the cause of The Failing it reveals much about Bogan Council. University computer technicians have carefully pieced this document back together and it is now available to students of pre-Failing history. ‘The Comedy of Errors’ can be read by clicking on ‘Carthorse Cart’ in the right hand column at the top of this page.

Meanwhile, Mayor Porker and the Bogan Chitty Council are making plans. The plans appear to involve a little known section of The Queensland Constitution that cites ‘Addendum 998’ and a particular person known as ‘The Principal Land Commissioner Attending’. It is unclear how this plan will develop. We continue the video record a few days after the altercation between Porker, Borden and Shizeknicker. Mayor Porker is alone in the Star Chamber and seems to be distressed. After a few minutes Councillor Dicky Mower quietly enters the chamber.

Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009


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Bogan Star Chamber - File Three.
March 2009


Councillor Mower: Hi, Porky.

Mayor Porker: What the fuck do you want Dickhead?

Councillor Mower: You seem a bit down.

Mayor Porker: Oh dear. I seem a bit down. What a shame. Of course I’m a bit down you prick, and why wouldn’t I be? After boosting my image with ‘The Maid of Bogan’ thing, I’m now back to being a greedy, grasping tosser and all because of you and your secret, sodding pact. You sucked me in with all that James Bond shit and now I can’t hold my head up in this community without risking getting it shot at. Sod you, Mower!

Councillor Mower: Porky for Christ’s sake, nobody is going to know about it. As far as your public is concerned you’re still ‘The Maid of Bogan’. And if this story ever came to light, which it wouldn’t of course, you would be an even bigger hero.

Mayor Porker: You don’t know much about ‘comparative time’ and ‘wormtrails’ do you?

Councillor Mower: What?

Mayor Porker: The certainty that, because anything in an infinite universe is possible, this conversation is being overheard as we speak.

Councillor Mower: You listen too much to that dork Yuteman. Let’s not get into anymore of that Doctor Who crap or we’ll be getting Daleks crawling out of our arses.

Mayor Porker: Shut up for God’s sake! Don’t get the sod off on any more tangents!

(There is a stirring from inside a nearby cupboard and a muffled, tinny voice says “Ex-term-in-ate.”)

Mayor Porker: There, you see? Bleeding typical.

(Mayor Porker pounds her fist on the table. She lifts her head and bellows.)

Mayor Porker: YUTEMAN!!!!!

(There is no response.)

Mayor Porker: IF YOU DON”T GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW I WILL SCREAM DOWN MRS. YUTEMAN’S EARHOLE AND SHE WILL WAKE AT FOUR IN THE MORNING AND BE UP YOUR ARSE LIKE A RABID RAT – YOU’VE GOT TEN SECONDS!!!!!!

(After a moment or two there is the sound of a lung busting coughing fit from outside. The powerful coughing impels other sounds that forbid description then a door opens and a truly horrible creature shambles into the room. Its remaining hair may be figuratively described as askew. The face is bagged and bristled. The creature carries a mug of tea that regularly spills onto the floor and although this creature has been out of bed for almost an hour, it is clearly still at the farting and arse scratching stage of waking up. It is Ron Yuteman.)

Yuteman (sullenly): What?

Mayor Porker: Get rid of that! (She points at the cupboard.)

Yuteman: It’s gone. It was just a little joke. Just came to me, like.

Mayor Porker: Well, I’ve had a gutful of your little jokes. We no sooner get set on a course of action, something usually considered to be a plot, when you fuck off round the houses like an epileptic grasshopper. Now – we are going to sit down and establish a few parameters so we can all be clear on what has happened and where we are going.

Yuteman: Yeah, but I’m sort of like the artist aren’t I? I got to have me artist’s licence to sort of explore things, like. I mean, I’ve got me basic plot thing all sorted out but sometimes you have to scoot off a bit to find out what the possibilities are – kind of like.

(Mayor Porker gently guides Yuteman to a chair. She squats down beside him and takes his hand.)

Mayor Porker: Yes Ron, I know. But you have an obligation to us. All of us. Me, Mower, Lizzie, Grimy and all the other characters you have created rely on you to give their lives some form. We are only constructs but in our own way we have feelings and hopes and dreams just like real people. You can’t just toss us around like used underwear. Now, can we talk through this?

Yuteman (after careful thought): Okay. Here’s what I’ve got. The plot to steal Queensland is an ASIO sting. You, Porky, are the only member of the council who knows this apart from Dicky Mower who is, of course, an ASIO agent. The reason for the sting is that ASIO are piggybacking onto a real plot to do exactly the same thing.
All the bit about the constitution is real, there is an extra section and there is a hidden addendum and there is a Principal Land Commissioner Attending. But our prime objective is to stop persons, unknown at this stage, using these anomalies to ‘steal’ Queensland.
The other problem is the ‘emergency’. ASIO only have a vague idea what is likely to be cooked up by the enemy but that will become clear later. The next problem is, this whole plot will unfold over several weeks so we need side issues to sustain the council’s interests and to prevent them from focusing too closely on just how bloody unlikely this whole scheme actually is.
One of these side issues will be the remake of Sound of Music. This will go ahead and we will tell the council that everyone has to wear audio/video transmitters because of security issues with the plan they think they are involved in. That way we can keep the council under surveillance and the Star Chamber video record constantly updated because it will be used in evidence against the real plotters when we catch them.

That’s as much as I can tell you at this stage.

Mayor Porker: Will I get to be Maria?

Yuteman: Porky, oh dearest Porky. You don’t really think this is going to be a nicey, nicey remake of the actual Sound of Music do you?

Mayor Porker (sighing): No, I suppose not, but I just had a little girly hope for a minute there.

Councillor Mower: Could I ask a question?

Yuteman: What?

Councillor Mower: If ASIO and the Queensland government know all about these anomalies why don’t they have an emergency session and change it all? And since when has ASIO just worked for Queensland anyway?

Yuteman: Good questions. Give me a moment and I will make up the answers…..right! The anomalies won’t be changed because they have been deliberately inserted so that the Queensland Government can do exactly what is being plotted now. They have got ASIO on to it because they don’t want to be beaten to the punch by some other sod, that’s all. You can forget all the talk about a Republic. What is planned is a full-blown Absolute Monarchy. Even now the new aristocracy is jostling for position and when the dust finally settles our State Premier will renounce Queensland’s place in the Federation and she will then become Queen Anna the 1st of Brisbalia. As far as ASIO is concerned, the Establishment recognises the Queensland plot as a first step in an Australia wide movement toward Aristocratic Government under King Rupert 1st.
How about that? Right off the top of me head – am I ace or what?

Mayor Porker: Ron, you are such a complete and total tosser!

(The next segment is some hours later. A full meeting of the Star Chamber has just ended. The councillors have been given their personal audio/video transmitters and shown how to work them. They are all excited about the new toy and take it in turns to film each other and watch the results on the monitors.)

Councillor Hobo: Just like Big Brother. Hope I remember to turn it off when I go for a dump.

Councillor Fondleschaft: Yah, ist is very goot. Das resolution is spot on for suchen a shmall thingo.

Councillor Hobo: Hello, here’s your mate from Austria. You’ll be able to chatter away in German together, hey? G’day Arnel – you’ve met Gerhardt haven’t you? I was just telling Gerhardt, you’d be able to chatter away in German to each other.

Councillor Fondleschaft (nervously): Ah yes – Yah we vill. Got int Hummock, do you spraken ze Dorch mine hair Shizenhausen?

Councillor Shizeknicker (sweating): Uh…..nine, I dussn’t spraken any Dorch. I spraken da Ostrich. Dust you spraken da Ostrich?

Councillor Fondleschaft (warily): Donner and Blizzard. Uh……Das Schwinehound Englishers march ont Dorchland……..the bastards! Um…..Ich bin ine NOT sprakening any Ostrich, I’m afraid…..mine amigo.

Councillor Shizeknicker: Thank fuck for that.

(Councillor Hobo strolls across to Mayor Porky and talks quietly to her.)

Councillor Hobo: What the hell’s going on with that pair, Porky? We’ve got a German who can’t speak German and we’ve got an Austrian who can’t speak Austrian or whatever it is Austrians natter in. Just who are these arseholes?

Mayor Porker: I’m not really sure myself, Grimy. But trust me, for our great plan to work we need the both of them. Look, I’ve got to make an important announcement. We’ll talk about this later.

(Mayor Porker stands and gives the table a sharp rap to get every ones attention.)

Mayor Porker: Okay boys and girls, this is the news you’ve all been waiting for. Ron Yuteman is starting his new production this week. He’ll be contacting us individually to sort out who plays which part but in the mean time he has asked me to make a couple of things clear. This production will be based very loosely on The Sound of Music but will take place in an aged care facility called The Catheter Creek Care Centre for the Terminally Aged - or 4CTA for short. The title of the production will be “The Sound of Prozac” and, yes, it will be a musical so get your banjos tuned.

END OF FILE THREE.