Posted by Professor Wowser Brak. March 24 - 3009
(Professor Brak is the Meritorious Professor of Primitive Politics and Early Political Demonomics at The Pauline Hanson Memorial University, Boganville.)
Report on the discovery of early electronic media describing the administration of Boganville before The Failing of 2010 - 2012.
The period directly following The Failing was chaotic. There are very few records available that give us clues as to why The Failing occurred or even precisely what it was. What we do know is that civilisation collapsed into an anarchic state that became dependant on tribal warfare to maintain rudiments of stability. Not until around 2500 did the world begin to come to order and some nation states reformed including Greater Austranesia. By this time almost all contact with the past had been lost and history had become little more than legend and myth.
Until now, the principal source of pre-Failing history has been the only intact historical document from that period to be found. This is, of course, the autobiography of Pauline Hanson - “Chips With Everything.” The importance of Pauline Hanson’s contribution to modern socio-political development cannot be overstated. It has been said that without her influence the Austral-Indonesian Civil War (2780-2783) would not have been fought. This clash of ideology between Caucasian and Asian population groups led directly to the rise of The Austranesian Axis that is now the world’s dominant power bloc.
There has been some speculation about the origin of the name Boganville by which we know the area encompassing most of the eastern coastal region of the Brisbalian continent. A recent discovery may indicate that this name is derived from Bogan Chitty, a relatively tiny part of early Brisbalia. However the discovery may have far more significance than that; it is suggested that we may be close to determining the source of The Failing.
But first, a little about the discovery itself:
In December 3006 The Pauline Hanson Memorial University funded archaeological exploration of Beaujimboo Lake. This enormous body of brackish water has been explored many times but only before the archaeological recovery of electromagnetic principals. These principals enabled post-Failing scientists to redevelop computer technology as well as many other electronic aids to research.
With the help of this technology, particularly sonar imaging, we were able to find traces of pre-Failing construction almost at the centre of Beaujimboo Lake and at a depth of 80 metres. On further investigation it became clear that we had found a building of great significance. A bronze plaque fixed to the structure stated that the building was The Bogan Chitty Council Offices. Inside the offices a relatively well-preserved pre-Failing spray painted message informed us that someone called “Bazo” urged our exploration team to “Fuk Awf or Fase Def”. This message is being studied by university cryptologists to determine its meaning.
One month after the initial discovery the underwater excavation revealed the door to a hidden room. It appeared to be a vault or similar secure area and was watertight. Because of the distinct possibility that the inside of this vault would be dry, an airlock was constructed before the door was breached. The inside was, indeed, very dry and contained thirteen corpses (twelve of them skeletal and one mummified) as well as the most comprehensive documentation and imagery of pre-Failing society ever found. We can now say with some certainty what caused The Failing and who was responsible.
We are releasing the video record of a particular administrative group known as the Bogan Chitty Council. We believe this record shows that not only can The Failing be attributed to this group but that responsibility for the almost total destruction of civilisation in the year 2012 rests principally with only one member of that Bogan Chitty Council.
This video record will be released in the order in which it was created. However, much of the material may not be relevant to our investigation and these sections may be left out. For those without high-end computers we are providing text transcripts and explanatory notes as a default. If you wish to view the original video please click on the green button marked “View Video”. If your computer is below specification or you do not have the correct video codex on your system (vidblert400.syst) then this button will not be available to you.
Prof. W. Brak. Boganville,
March 3009
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Bogan Star Chamber Meeting – File One
23rd March 2009.
(We are inside a steel lined room. One wall is covered with CCTV screens showing all angles of approach to this location. Along another wall several computers are ranged. Four doors, a drinks cabinet and a caged cockatoo take up the rest of the wall space. A meeting is about to begin and, with the documentation available, we are able to identify the twelve people sitting around the large boardroom table positioned at the centre of the room.
They are: Primula Porker – Mayor of Bogan, Councillor Lizzie Borden, Councillor Sean Bean, Councillor Grimwold Hobo, Councillor Luke Skypilot, Councillor Winnie Quark, Councillor Ann Appuladay, Councillor Philip Shidehawk, Councillor Dicky Mower, Councillor Arnel Shizeknicker, Councillor Madigan Axeman, Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft.
Only one of the chairs around the table is unoccupied. The meeting begins.)
Mayor Porker: I’d like to welcome you all to the inaugural meeting of The Bogan Star Chamber. These meetings will deal with issues that will never become public and, for that reason, nothing said here will ever be repeated outside of this room. There will be only one electronic record made for our future reference and it will be stored here and only here. These rules are sacrosanct.
But before we begin the meeting proper, I want to welcome a new member to our little group – Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft. Gerhardt has kindly agreed to serve on this council as a replacement for Roscoe Lunchpack who really did turn out to be a Mossad spy after all. Welcome Gerhardt, please make yourself at home.
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: Ja vole, mine leap frow milk!
Councillor Sean Bean: I don’t think you’re really German are you?
Councillor Gerhardt Fondleschaft: Well......nine, I’m not really. Not as such.
Mayor Porker: I also would like you all to join with me in expressing our deep sorrow for the loss of Andy McDuck. As you know, Andy has passed on to a better place and everyone will miss him.
Councillor Grimy Hobo: Did they catch the driver?
Mayor Porker: No but the important thing now is to move on, so I’m already conducting interviews in my search for a suitable replacement.
Councillor Luke Skypilot: Forgive me Mayor Porker, but don’t we have to have an election or something? I mean, Gerhardt was elected wasn’t he?
Mayor Porker: Don’t be silly, Luke, we don’t have time for all that nonsense. Besides, by the time the proles work it out it will be time for the next council elections and they can elect them then. It’s not as though they would care anyway. Look at the mess Yuteman made of Jimboomba with that Deathdozer and the train wreck. Hardly anyone noticed, they thought the council was just doing a bit of road widening.
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Yes, what happened with that Comedy of Errors? I thought it was being put out on broadband or DVD or something and we would all make a bit of money out of it.
Councillor Grimwold Hobo: Nah! Yuteman fucked it up and lost all the footage. He’s just a senile old fart. You can forget all that.
Mayor Porker: Oh, he wasn’t so bad.
Councillor Sean Bean: Oh yes. Oh yes, just because he called you “The Maid of Bogan” and made you seem half intelligent you think he ‘wasn’t so bad’. What a load of bollocks! Well, as far as I’m concerned he made me look like a right fucking prick!
Councillor Lizzie Borden: Sean, that’s because you are a right fucking prick.
Councillor Sean Bean: Sod off Lizzie!
Mayor Porker: In that case, Sean, you won’t be interested in the part he’s written for you in his new production.
Councillor Sean Bean: What new production? What part?
Mayor Porker: I had an email from Ron yesterday. (dramatic pause) He wants to do a re-make of The Sound of Music and……….. he wants us all to be in it!
(There is applause around the table and a lot of happy, excited faces. There is chatter and some impromptu snatches of song.)
Councillor Sean Bean: What’s my part, what’s my part?
Mayor Porker: Later everyone. I know this is wonderful news but we have some serious things to consider at this meeting. We will get back to The Sound of Music afterwards (Oh, I do hope I get Maria.)
(Mayor Porker pulls a stack of files to a convenient position in front of her and opens the top file.)
Mayor Porker: Anyway, to business! You may be wondering what we are doing here in this room. Most of you didn’t even know the place existed and with good reason. This is possibly the most secret and secure area in southeast Queensland apart from Councillor Shizeknickers knackers. It was designed as a nuclear bomb shelter and can be totally isolated from the outside world. I am told that this council could survive for two years in here after the main door has been sealed. It was built long before our time of course but if you want to find out more about it, ask Grimy later.
Councillor Grimy Hobo: Hey! Don’t drag me into this. I didn’t get the sodding place built, I just happened to be a little bit involved - that’s all.
Mayor Porker: Later Grimy. Let’s get to the reason why we are here. We have had a few problems in recent months. There’s been a lot of in-fighting, backstabbing and generally negative activity in this council and it has to stop! I know why it’s going on. Some of you are thinking about re-election down the track, but it isn’t going to happen – deal with it! We missed a golden opportunity right at the start and won’t recover from that.
We were elected after amalgamation and a whole new electorate looked to us for integrity, leadership and reassurance, so what did we do? Almost our very first act was to vote our selves a massive pay rise. Oh, I know all about what the regulations required at the time but I know, you know and every other bugger knows we could have walked away from it with honour. Just imagine if the new council had stood up and said:
‘We know what we are allowed to do but this is more important than us. The electorate don’t want the first act of their elected council to be seen as leeching even more hard-earned cash from hard-pressed ratepayers. When 40% of Bogan families have to survive on a third of a councillors salary and most of the rest need two incomes to match that same salary, it is not only inappropriate but simply immoral for councillors to take more.’
(There is a pause as Mayor Porker looks around the table. The other councillors fidget and say nothing.)
Mayor Porker: The buggers would have been eating out of our hands. After that we could have done anything and got away with it. But no! We were greedy little amateurs and jumped straight into the trough without a thought for the future. Now we are all tagged as grasping, self-centred shits who don’t give a toss about the people of Bogan. And before you start bleating on with all that trite crap about how difficult our job is and about the salaries that are paid in the private sector please remember that 83% of the Bogan electorate each believe they could do our job in their spare time without breaking into a sweat and 50% of those people might well be right. Let’s face it, we must be short of things to do if we have to ponce around forming little power cliques and generally acting like soap opera bit players. As for the private sector – some of us would find trouble getting a salary above minimum wage let alone taking on a highly paid executive position where you have to actually know what you’re doing.
So! All of us got into this game for one reason – to get rich. Don’t look shocked Winnie; it’s why everyone goes to work. To get money, to get rich – fact of life. Our specific problem is that we don’t have much time left to take advantage of the golden Bogan goose. Instead of spreading our take over a few terms we now have to go for the big payday – and I have a plan.
Ladies and Gentlemen of The Bogan Star Chamber, with the help of little known but quite proper legislation, our little group is going to steal Queensland. All we need to make the heist possible is a dire emergency - so we need to create one. Suggestions?
END OF FILE ONE.
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